By: Sara E. Teller
If you suspect you are currently a victim of narcissistic abuse, or if you have just gotten out of this type of relationship and you want to sort out what happened and how you were victimized, it can be helpful to understand some of the common phrases that are used in these situations.
Take a moment to review the ten phrases below to see if any of them sound familiar from your experiences. Of course, this is an incomplete list of the various phrases that may be used by a narcissist, but it’s a good starting point and may help you better understand how you may have been manipulated by this individual.
#1 – This is your fault.
One of the classic – and common – phrases deployed by a narcissist, this one is effective at moving blame away from themselves and onto the victim. Since a narcissist is not going to be open to seeing things in a way that puts them at fault, directly pointing the fault in another direction is standard. Unfortunately, many victims find themselves believing this blame game, and they wind up taking responsibility for something that wasn’t their fault.
#2 – It’s not a big deal.
Another way for a narcissist to establish control over a victim is to tell them what they should care about and what shouldn’t matter. By stating that something “isn’t a big deal,” what they are really saying is that the victim’s feelings are incorrect and uncalled for. Of course, no other person should be able to dictate how another ‘is allowed to’ feel, but that’s often what happens in these situations.
#3 – I was joking.
This is a tricky one because most people don’t like to be accused of not having a sense of humor or knowing how to take a joke. So, when told something was a joke, a victim may back pedal and question their own judgment. In most cases, it wasn’t a joke, and this is an attempt to get out from under the consequences of whatever was said or done.
#4 – Everyone knows I’m right.
With this statement, the narcissist is aiming to isolate the victim and put them on an emotional island. It’s hard to feel like you are all alone with your opinion, so a victim may give in to this claim and go along with the supposed thinking of the imaginary group.
#5 – There is something wrong with you.
This is a particularly cruel and direct statement. Where many of the other statements are meant
to indirectly lead a victim toward a particular emotion, this one comes right out with an attack that is going to be hard for the victim to ignore.
#6 – You always exaggerate.
Anytime someone claims that another person “always” does something, alarm bells should go off. It’s not fair, or productive, to accuse another person of behaving the same way time after time, all the time. This is another attempt to shift blame and change the narrative.
#7 – You need professional help.
The sneaky thing about this statement is that it can come across as a considerate claim in some cases. When meant genuinely, suggesting that someone gets help from a professional can be productive and supportive. In this case, however, the opposite is true, and the narcissist is shifting the focus of the argument to place blame on the victim. A method of projecting, it is likely to deflect away from the fact that it is actually the narcissist who needs help.
#8 – You aren’t perfect.
Here again, it’s all about deflecting and distracting. If a victim is confronting the narcissist about their behavior, and they reply by pointing to the victim’s faults, it’s impossible to have a productive conversation.
#9 – You are overreacting.
This gets back to a point made earlier in this article about downplaying the emotions of another person. Telling the victim that they are overreacting is just another way of saying that their emotions are not valid and they don’t have a right to feel how they feel.
#10 – I was just trying to help.
Finally, a claim that the narcissist was actually doing something to help the victim is a statement that will sometimes put the victim on their heels – and they may even feel bad for what they have said as a result. It’s a way to get the victim to question their feelings and wonder if the abuser was actually trying to be helpful. In most cases, of course, the answer is no, and this is just a deflection technique.
Do any of those phrases sound familiar? If you have been dealing with narcissistic abuse, you’ve probably heard at least one of them before…and likely many more. Having this kind of information on your side when encountering a narcissist can help you make sense of what is going on so you can determine how to best proceed for your own health and the health of those around you.
Break the silence, break the cycle.