By: Sara E. Teller
The concept of “love bombing,” in many ways, seems like contradictory because it involves showering another person with attention and affection – and that’s pretty much the opposite of what one might expect from a narcissistic relationship. However, digging a bit deeper, we find that this concept is an integral part of this toxic partnership.
Through love bombing, a narcissist can put on a façade that presents an ideal partner. In some cases, this will cover up – for a period of time – the issues that are hiding beneath, and the relationship may seem stable. By going over the top, a narcissist can cause their partner to avoid finding any reason to look deeper. Why would they when, on the surface, everything seems good? That surface-level affection can only last so long, however, and ultimately, the issues associated with narcissistic abuse will start to present themselves.
Since love bombing can feel so good on the receiving end, it’s important for people to know what they should be watching out for in the early stages of a relationship. While the ten actions below all constitute love bombing, some of them, in isolation, may just be a nice act by a truly caring partner. It’s important to evaluate each situation for what it is and use discretion when assessing the relationship as a whole.
#1 – Over-the-Top Compliments. Everyone likes to be complimented, and there is nothing wrong with this when it comes from a genuine place of love and appreciation. In the case of love bombing, however, the narcissist uses compliments as a tool to control the relationship and build up “credit” that can be pointed to later when things aren’t going so well.
#2 – PDA. Some people are left feeling uncomfortable by public displays of affection, so while this might seem nice at first, it can quickly become awkward. The narcissist’s PDA intentions are two-fold: To showcase the ‘trophy’ partner they’ve gained and to make this partner feel as if they aren’t afraid to make the world privy of the relationship.
#3 – Showering with Gifts. Like compliments, it’s enjoyable to receive gifts – but what happens when they are constant and expensive? Again, it may be a ploy to take control of the relationship and begin to dictate the feelings and behaviors of the victim. It is also likely a way for the narcissist to “prove” to their partner that they have the financial means to care for them.
#4 – Constant Messages. Thanks to modern technology, it’s easier than ever before to keep in touch with other people. That’s helpful in many situations, but it also gives the narcissist an opportunity to control their victim by frequently sending messages and expecting prompt replies. This may come across as being exceptionally caring a first – but it can quickly become overwhelming.
#5 – Overbearing Schedule. In healthy relationships, partners spend plenty of time together, of course – but there should also be some time spent apart for the good of both sides. When a narcissist uses love bombing to control a victim, they want to have them in their sights at all times.
#6 – Isolation Through Attention. One of the first warning signs that all of this affection is going too far is when the victim starts to feel separated from their friends and family because their life has become too focused on this one individual. Love bombing tends to feel good at first – before it starts to feel like too much, which is when the feelings of isolation creep in.
#7 – Resisting Boundaries. If the victim of narcissistic abuse and love bombing tries to draw some lines regarding personal boundaries in the relationship, those lines might not be respected. This is because the abuser thinks they “deserve” to not have boundaries and their desire to control the other person is their foremost concern.
#8 – Public Gift-giving. A classic example of this concept is sending flowers to someone at work, where it is known that they will be seen by others. As a one-time gift, this is a nice gesture, but regular occurrences of this type of giving can push it over the line and even lead to negative repercussions for the recipient.
#9 – Weaponizing Gifts. The narcissist in this case is likely to feel like the gifts they have provided will entitle them to a certain type of treatment. This argument is sometimes compelling to victims, but it’s important to remember that gifts are meant to be given without conditions – if they are given with an expectation of compliance in return, they weren’t really gifts in the first place. Another example of using gifts as weapons is when they’re given after an argument to show the victim that the abuser will “never again” do whatever it is they’ve done.
#10 – Going Beyond Social Norms. For a victim, it’s important to step back from the situation and look at the bigger picture. Is their partner acting in a way that is consistent with typical social norms for relationships? If their actions are well-beyond what is normally expected, that should be a warning to proceed with caution.
As mentioned above, simply performing one of the actions on this list does not mean that someone is love bombing their partner. As a one-off event, it might be nothing more than a thoughtful gesture. However, if you are concerned about narcissistic abuse, watch for a pattern of behavior that seems over the top and beyond what would be expected in a healthy, stable relationship. If a pattern is identified, this could be a red flag telling you to run!
Break the silence, break the cycle.