Have you heard of the five love languages by Dr. Gary Chapman? These are ways in which an individual expresses love. Dr. Chapman surmised the five ways are words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, and physical touch. These expressions of love are not confined to romantic relationships either. They extend to family and close friends. Individuals understand how to express their love in specific ways, and this translates to all significant relationships in their lives.
Let me suggest there is a sixth love language a narcissist uses, which is manipulation and control. Narcissists only know how to engage with others through these two tactics. They must attain and maintain control over their prey, and they do so through gaslighting and manipulation. The narcissistic love language extends to all who share his space, including spouses and significant others, children, family members, coworkers and anyone else willing to provide narcissistic supply.
One might argue, “This isn’t love” – which is true for most. How can someone who is hell-bent on maintaining dominance through these underhanded tactics believe he is loving on another person? Narcissists have a skewed perception of reality, and this piece likely came about very early on in the narcissist’s life. Typically, the love language was acquired through modeling. The narcissist likely had a caregiver who expressed love in this way and, thus, he grew to believe this is the best way to convey his love towards others.
In fact, most narcissists are stuck in a toxic cycle that began generations before his time, much like any other abuser. Control and manipulation are learned behaviors. A child doesn’t come into the world understanding how to do this. They must pick up these tactics through observation.
By the time a narcissist is ready to engage in a romantic partnership, he has been had years of experience developing his love language and has mastered it. And not only does the narcissist have his own love language down pat, but he uses it to belittle yours until you become submissive. What does this mean? Essentially, the narcissist will ensure, through manipulation and control, he will not fulfill your needs and he will make you feel ashamed of needing this from him. In other words, it sounds brutal, but here is how the narcissist twists each of these:
Words of affirmation? Why do you need those to be happy? Maybe if you did x, y or z, you’d receive them.
Quality time? The narcissist’s time is invaluable, and you should feel lucky to get what you get.
Receiving gifts? What did you do to deserve it?
Acts of service? Aren’t you supposed to pull your own weight, too? What you’re doing isn’t good enough, so why should the narcissist go out of his way to reciprocate?
Physical touch. This is something narcissists tend to purposely withhold and only use amid gaslighting. If physical touch is your love language, it is the easiest own for the narc to manipulate.
By twisting each of these and using them against you, the narcissist is able to maintain total control over the partnership, and thus, fulfill his own love language. Again, this was something that he learned to do at a very early age. He was likely born with a “normal” love language that was consistently shot down and used against him. In an effort to survive, he adapted this to what it is today. It is easier for a child to go with the flow than against the grain. He discovered he was much better off surrendering to his circumstances and fully anticipates you will do the same.
While it’s unfathomable to most that an individual would do these things, this is how a narcissist expresses loves and expects to receive it. It is second nature to him to carry out this plan and the only way the narcissist can feel fulfilled, much the same as you are when someone carries out your love language.
You will never feel fulfilled in a relationship with a narcissist because the narcissist will never fulfill your love language. You will be left feeling as if this person doesn’t care for you or understand you. The truth is that he does. He is just using this information against you rather than to make you happy. This is a conscious choice and tactic to fulfill his own needs. When you see this toxic pattern playing out time and again, the best thing you can do it eliminate it from your life once and for all.