If you look up codependency up in a dictionary, you’ll see it’s defined as “an excessive emotional or psychological reliance on a partner, typically a partner who requires support due to an illness or addiction.” In other words, co-dependents rely on the emotional well-beings of their partners in order to fill their own cups. But, not just any partners – these are partners who suffer from illness and/or addiction. An illness like narcissism, and narcissists are often addicts.
Codependents do not have a healthy concept of self (much like the narcissist). And, they are not satisfied unless they are able to gratify the needs of another, which is why they need someone who they believe relies on them, even if falsely. A narcissist will naturally offer this false support in order to trap a codependent.
Narcissists thrive on what’s termed narcissistic supply. Simply put, reserves filled by the energy of others. So, you can see how a narcissist would just love to find a person who is codependent –someone who is not only willing, but needs to fulfill his needs. And, you can probably guess how great of an actor the narcissist will become in order to secure the attention of a codependent, portraying a meek, poor, sad character who absolutely needs the echoer’s love. It’s all part of his sick mind games. This person, the echoer, more so than someone who is independent, is able to provide narcissistic supply.
Narcissists are social predators with a knack for seeking out the most vulnerable prey. These are the most caring, giving, empathetic individuals. Not weak. Don’t get me wrong. Codependents have lived life. They have experienced trauma, typically in childhood (much like the narcissist). They have been through their fair share of obstacles, and are hoping to rid themselves of the shame associated with these obstacles (much like the narcissist). So, they tend to come across as very strong minded, exceptionally strong willed. They want to be seen as independent, but inwardly, sadly, are not.
True sociopaths, it’s been said, enjoy being challenged, so these individuals initially give the narcissist the challenge he craves. It can be difficult to win a codependent’s trust, and the narcissist loves this. The ultimate aphrodisiac is to wear his challenging prey down to total dependency.
Sadly, if these two personality types find each other, they are often destined to dance in misery for all of eternity. Because they need each other. Because they feed off of each other. And, if the relationship gets too abusive for the codependent and by some divine miracle, she is able to escape, this person will most likely repeat the negative relational pattern over and over again. So, the codependent must be willing to change and put in the work required to gain the self-confidence he or she lacks in order for the vicious cycle to be broken once and for all.
What may be tough to hear here for the codependent is…this person is essentially the cause of her own unhappiness. If she is unable to see a pattern has formed that needs to be broken, she will lead herself into this awful situation time and time again without fail.
It’s not easy to get a codependent to see he or she is bringing about bad karma. This person has a very low self-esteem and needs to be handle with care. The worst thing a counselor or others who care for this person can do is diminish his or her poor self-concept any more than it already is. However, a firm discussion does need to be had. This person needs to realize that he or she cannot continue to seek out narcissistic partners and expect to be happy. It’s the definition of insanity, right? Repeating the same negative behavioral patterns, each time expecting different results.
The codependent will never receive genuine gratification in a relationship with a narcissist, obviously – genuine love, which is what the codependent so desperately seeks. So, this individual has a very tough job to do – to identify the abuse as it’s happening, to break free and to identify what within him or her is finding narcissistic relationships so appealing. This can only be done with the help of a strong support system, and if the feat can be accomplished, there is hope for a happy ending.