When a narcissist can no longer control a victim, he must maintain a sense of dominance by controlling how others perceive this person. This tends to occur after an extensive effort to win back the individual who left without success and is referred to as smear campaigning. The purpose of the narcissist’s smear campaign is two-fold – to rectify narcissistic injury caused by the person’s departure and rejection and to protect the reputation of the narcissist when, inevitably, the victim speaks up. Let’s take a look at both of these factors.
Narcissistic injury. Injury was inflicted when the victim finally summoned the courage to leave, so in the mind of a narcissist, revenge must be sought. The narcissist will do everything in his power to destroy the happiness and well-being of the former victim and will, thus, incite a mission aimed at belittling this person and attempting to ensure they are ill-fated. This is a way for the narcissist to remain emotionally abusive, even if indirectly. He will tell tall tales to any mutual connections who will listen and ensure anyone new who walks into the narcissist’s life believes the victim is crazy. New targets will be kept separate from the old, unable to reach out, so the narcissist can maintain these falsities. And because narcs are so good at manipulating others, this could mean some of the former victim’s loved ones actually severe ties, siding with him.
Romantic exes are specifically vulnerable to these attacks, because of the length the narc is willing to go to make sure new victims believe the false façade presented in the idealized stage. Narcissists cannot stand when they lose control over someone perceived as existing only to serve them and will degrade and belittle this person to the fullest extent. It never ceases to amaze individuals who’ve summoned the courage to leave how many people actually believe the abuser! This only serves to further solidify the fact that leaving was the right decision.
Reputation protection. The narcissist needs to ensure his or her true self is not revealed to anyone “on the outside” or is protected from any potential new partners for as long as possible. In order to do so, the narcissist will reach out to the former victim’s social and professional circles — really, anyone who will listen — in an attempt to convince these individuals the victim is a terrible person. They will employ narcissistic projection, flipping the narrative and telling everyone the former partner was controlling, manipulative, abusive and/or possesses any other negative aspect of the narc’s own personality. They love to play the victim. They may also go to great lengths to convince family members and friends the victim has needs mental help, is an addict/alcoholic, is hiding things from them, has talked negatively about them, etc. or convince employers the victim is stealing, handling personal affairs on the company’s time, said she hated her position, etc. Whatever it takes to weaken the strength summoned when the victim left and to make this person’s newfound independence as difficult as possible.
The best thing a former victim can do is simply continue being who they’ve always been. Anyone who matters won’t mind and anyone who minds doesn’t matter, right? In other words, those who truly know and love the victim won’t believe a word the narcissist is saying. Even if they do, they will approach the victim and let this person know what’s happening so a discussion can be had and the victim can state her case.
Remember, smear campaigning in the aftermath of a narcissistic relationship is inevitable, but this doesn’t mean you should be afraid to speak up. Discussing the abuse you endured is not only cathartic and will help you heal, but could very well help others.
Break the silence, break the cycle.