Oftentimes, when you’re in a relationship with a pathological narcissist it can be difficult to understand what is happening to you. The person you see behind closed doors can be much different from the person this individual projects in public. He may be very well-loved by others not sharing his intimate space, and there is a simple explanation for this – narcissists love the spotlight. They need everything to look perfect on the outside even when things are falling apart on the inside.
Because individuals with narcissistic personality disorder may appear to have split personalities by those closest to them, it can be difficult to wrap your head around why you believe this person is a monster while, at the same time, the rest of the world loves him. This aspect of narcissism is a classic form of gaslighting – something those with NPD do best. They use gaslighting to manipulate their victims into believing their thoughts about the narcissist are crazy and unwarranted.
Because of constant gaslighting and grooming, victims often begin to question their own perception of the person they’re with and the things that are happening to them. Most narcissists would also prefer to use emotional abuse before physical abuse. And, since emotional abuse only leaves scars below the surface, this further makes victims question whether they are truly being mistreated or they’re operating from a skewed point-of-view and their relationship really isn’t all that bad.
It can take years for victims to wrap their heads around what feels off in the relationship, and often it takes either escalating abuse, total dependency, isolation or an otherwise abnormal aspect of the partnership to surface before its finally understood that the relationship is unhealthy. If you feel like ‘something is just off,’ trusting your intuition and leaving before this happens will save a lot of undue grief. If you suppress this gut feeling and stay long enough, the narcissist will ensure you’ve severed ties with those individuals most important to you, you have absolutely no financial independence, and you have been stripped of any sense of self-worth. After all, this all means the narcissist can assert complete and total control over you, so you either never leave or, if you do, there will be significant consequences.
It’s important to be able to identify the early warning signs of being abused by a pathological narcissist. Of course, again, being in a relationship with someone who has NPD is not as cut-and-dry as being able to pinpoint these questionable traits and walk away. It may take some time and real, tangible damage before a victim understands they are being victimized. Yet, these early signs are definitely red flags to be on the lookout for. If they are evident, proceed with caution.
Love bombing. In the beginning of the relationship, everything will appear to be perfect. You will likely be very smitten by this new person who seems to be everything you’ve ever dreamed of. Narcissists have an uncanny ability to pick up on cues from you regarding what you’re looking for in a partnership and use these to morph into your perfect match. They will love bomb you – which basically means, they will study you, determine what’s most important to you, and be all of these things…and more. But toxic relationships with narcs are so textbook they always following three distinct and progressive stages – idealize (love bombing), devalue, and discard. Once the narc believes he has you completely trapped, he will begin to devalue you. This can come out of nowhere and is a form of gaslighting meant to validate your perceived dependency and ensure he has you under his thumb.
All of your partner’s exes are crazy. Narcissists cannot stand when they lose control over someone perceived as existing only to serve them. If someone broke ties in a hurry, the narc will likely degrade and belittle this person to the fullest extent. Narcissists love to incite smear campaigns after they can no longer control the individual, and chances are, the infamous ex isn’t the crazy one. Consider what your partner might say about you if you decide to leave.
Egocentric to the extreme. Narcissists love to talk about themselves. After all, in their mind, they are the only one worthy of attention and they full-heartedly believe you should feel lucky to be with them. This isn’t always readily apparent, however. While the self-ingratiation with be evident at times, it can also appear in other, more passive-aggressive ways. One common way the narc will engage in self-praise is by shifting every conversation back to himself. For example, you may be very excited about a promotion you received at work and want to talk about it with your partner. Instead of congratulating you, however, this person will offer an indirect, half-witted compliment (‘Well, that’s just proof hard work pays off’) and follow this by telling you that if you continue to work hard, one day you’ll be in the same position as they are or make as much money as them. Narcissists love to disguise insults as compliments to gradually eliminate your self-confidence entirely.
Something’s just off. Because narcissists can be extremely cunning when it comes to manipulating their victims into total submission – see the example above – you may not be able to fully grasp why you’re so unhappy and don’t trust this person, but you feel as if something is just ‘off.’ Especially once the devaluing stage kicks in, you’ll begin to feel discontented (and maybe even unsafe) when you’re around this person. And yet, the narcissist will have gone to extreme lengths to trap you, so leaving won’t be easy. This is what keeps many victims in the toxic partnership much longer than they should be – loss of confidence, independence and self-trust.
These are just a few of the earliest signs you are in a relationship with a pathological narcissist. Instilled in all of us is a sense of intuition that will likely tell you to run far sooner than anyone on the outside will. It takes self-trust to listen to your gut and hit the road, and this tends to be more complicated than it seems. Leaving before things get worse will save you from having to pick up the pieces in the aftermath of a tumultuous separation that all-too-often includes divorce, custody battles, financial ruin and more. All victims of narcissistic abuse wish they would have severed ties sooner. Unfortunately, few get out unscathed.
Knowledge is power. Break the silence, break the cycle.