Escaping a toxic relationship induces feelings of grief and loss. That’s right. Even though breaking it off with a narcissist was necessary and relieving – lifesaving, even – it’s still a loss and it is still okay to grieve this loss. Grieving is not exclusive to death. It shows up in any significant loss and the process tends to follow the same stages in which the griever goes from complete denial to acceptance.
Losing a narcissistic partner can induce intense feelings of grief primarily because of the power the narc asserted in the relationship. Narcissists gaslight and manipulate their victims into total submission and dependence. Victims are made to believe they can’t make any decisions without soliciting the input of the narc. When they are discarded by this toxic person, the sudden severing of ties can leave the victim feeling confused, unable to trust themselves and unsure of where to go next.
If this person doesn’t allow themselves to grieve to the acceptance stage, they are in danger of attempting to return to the person who pushed them away. This will only lead to detrimental results. The narc may take the victim back long enough to determine whether there’s still supply to be gained, then release the victim again. Typically, the second time around is more intense than the first. The narc does everything possible to destroy what’s left of the victim’s fragile self. If a narc cannot garner any supply, he will become enraged and this effect only amplifies.
Each step in the grieving process tends to play out naturally so long as the individual experiencing the loss allows it to progress. However, it’s important to understand each person grieves differently, and thus, the process contains elements that are unique to the individual. Let’s take a look at each of the stages in turn.
Stage 1 – Denial. It’s not unusual to respond to intense loss by pretending it simply isn’t happening. This is a common defense mechanism that helps you buy more time to process it and solidify it into your reality. It’s also a way to avoid having to feel deep, uncomfortable emotions that are very difficult to face.
Stage 2 – Anger. Anger is another defense mechanism often used to mask sadness and fear. In many situations in life, anger is used to avoid the vulnerability of exposing what’s underneath. Using anger helps one to disconnect as much as possible from the pain of the loss. This anger may be redirected at others, at experiences, at inanimate objects or at yourself. Bitterness or resentment are more common than outright rage but those in the anger stage may be quick to release their anger through confrontation.
Stage 3 – Bargaining. The third stage is centered on “what if’s” and “if only’s.” The griever creates a bargaining position that commonly isn’t realistic, such as, “If only I had been more submissive, he may have stayed” or “If only I had worked on my physical appearance more, he wouldn’t have found someone else.” Of course, you can never be submissive enough or make yourself look good enough to avoid the fallout of a relationship with a narcissist. Nothing is ever good enough for the narcissist. The supply the victim provides is always at risk of being insufficient. The narcissist has an insatiable lust for the energy of others, and this cannot be satisfied by a victim giving more than what was given. In fact, victims commonly try to the point that they completely lose themselves in the process.
Stage 4 – Depression. This is a very tough, yet necessary, stage of the grieving process. It’s essential because it’s the first stage in which the victim is made to face the underlying emotions the first three stages have protected them from. In the depression stage, victims tend to isolate from others in order to fully process the loss and the icky feelings that are now bubbling to the surface. It can be very overwhelming, leaving one feeling foggy, heavy, and confused. They don’t feel like themselves and, therefore, believe it’s safe to disengage with the world around them “until this gets sorted out.” The fourth stage is where many grievers turn to grief therapists to help them manage symptoms. It’s also the stage in which many victims reach back out to the lost partner only to understand down the road how detrimental this decision truly is.
Stage 5 – Acceptance. Making it through the depression stage offers something to look forward to. It means reaching the light at the end of the tunnel. Acceptance does not necessarily mean one’s mood is uplifted, and the burden of the loss is gone entirely. However, it means you’ve moved into a place of being able to understand the implications of this loss for your future and what life looks like now. It can be very difficult to make it all the way through to the acceptance stage and many victims drop out before they do. However, every start brings with it a new opportunity to make it to the end. It may take many attempts to reach the final stage, and everyone’s process looks a bit different.
The important takeaway here is that the loss of a narcissistic relationship can induce profound feelings of grief that need to be addressed rather than blocked out in order to move forward effectively. Those who allow themselves to experience each stage without self-judgment can enjoy sustainable healing.