Sara E. Teller
Identifying and classifying narcissistic abuse can be difficult. In some cases, the actions that are taken by the narcissist will seem kind, generous, and even loving. From the outside, others may see it as a perfectly healthy, even admirable, relationship. The things the narcissist does seem normal and respectable.
With that said, being in an emotionally abusive relationship is a different experience from what it looks like on the outside. You know that you are being abused and that this relationship is not what it should be. Separating what something looks like to others from the reality of the experience is difficult, and this is how many victims wind up stuck in relationships for years after they should have left.
Let’s take some time to review how a narcissist may be emotionally abusive in a way that seems well-intentioned to others.
Putting on the Right Appearance. We mentioned this in the intro but putting up a good appearance is a big part of what narcissists tend to do in relationships. Unlike other types of abusive relationships, where the problems can often be pretty evident to anyone on the outside looking in, a narcissistic abuse case may look just fine to most other people. It is often difficult for those who haven’t had direct exposure to the narcissist’s true colors to notice subtle signs such as a fear to speak without the narc’s approval, having to look “perfect” at all times and insisting on doing whatever the narc has to say.
All of this leaves the victim of the abuse feeling like the narcissist does have good intentions. So, when something more nefarious occurs, the victim is still remembering those positive moments (which were only positive on the surface), and they may feel obligated to look the other when things aren’t so pleasant. This will also have the effect of putting friends and family potentially on the side of the narcissist, since they are seeing only the good things and may believe that the victim would be making a mistake in leaving this person behind.
Deflecting Blame. A classic skill of narcissists is moving blame onto other people and away from themselves. For someone who has been demonstrating narcissistic behavior for a long time, this action will be rather natural, and others may not even notice it is happening. As a result, people around that narcissist will just feel like that person doesn’t make many mistakes and, thus, can always be trusted.
It’s only when someone gets closer to this individual, as is the case in a romantic relationship, that it becomes clear how good they are at moving blame away from themselves. When there is no doubt that they are truly to blame for something, and yet they keep trying to shrug off the responsibility, their partner will start to understand the reality of the situation they’ve gotten themselves into.
Using Leverage. A narcissist tends to build up leverage in a relationship through frequent shows of affection and appreciation (also known as love bombing). This tactic is used to build “credit” that can then be “cashed in” to salvage the relationship when the victim starts to see through the façade. The narcissist won’t hesitate to point back to those other occasions when they acted (seemingly) generously, and those events will be used as a tool to keep the person around for longer than they would have been otherwise. A gift or show of affection should never come with strings attached.
It’s All About Control. Virtually everything that a narcissist does is about controlling the situation. Whether it is a romantic relationship, people at work, children, or anyone else, the narcissist is going to do whatever is necessary to maintain control and make sure that their needs and desires come first. Even when something seems positive and considerate, there is always an ulterior motive lurking if you are just willing to look for it.
It’s so hard to get through this layer of control because a narcissist is willing to go to great lengths to maintain what they have built. Where other people would start to feel bad about their actions and hesitate to continue taking advantage of others, a true narcissist will go to whatever lengths necessary to keep a firm hold on the control that they wish to maintain.
You may have to spend a lot of time thinking about the actions of a narcissist to determine what their intentions are and how you wish to proceed with the connection with this person. Do they just have some selfish tendencies but are well-intended overall? Or is this truly narcissism and would you be better off getting away from the relationship and this person, like now? If you see red flags, don’t ignore them.
Break the silence, break the cycle.