If you’ve been victimized by a narcissist, chances are you’d do anything do never let this happen again. If you were lucky enough to get out, the most terrifying thing is probably thinking about having to hit the rewind button and go through that hell all over again. So, how can you avoid putting life on repeat?
Own your truth. Narcissists are master manipulators and experts at gaslighting. Chances are, in your previous life you were made to question your reality over and over again. Now that you’ve put some distance between you and your abuser, you probably understand just how insane this pattern of communication really is. The problem is, though, as time passes, it’s all too easy to relax a bit and believe you’ll never meet another person who will put you through the same toxic interplay. You may also start to question if the narcissist in your life was really all that bad. After all, you’re an empathetic soul and believe in giving people the benefit of the doubt. These are dangerous thoughts to have. Giving others the benefit of a doubt at the expensive of your own well-being is what got you into this messy situation to begin with. And there is more than one narcissist in the world happy to prey on this part of your personality should you let him.
Stop falling for the façade. Yes, charm is – well, charming. It’s easy to be attracted to someone who is dishing it out. Once upon a time when you were still little, you may have seen a fairytale or two that showed you a good partner is dashing and charismatic, buys you flowers and chocolates and treats you like a princess. This portrayal of love isn’t all that fair to real world romance, and there are plenty of predators willing to prey on the misconception that love has to be this way. In fact, narcissists use these methods to reel you in because they realize bringing the fairytale into reality is uncommon. Yes, you deserve to be treated well. But if someone seems all too over the top, you’ll probably want to wonder what they’re hiding. Instead of focusing on that in-your-face charm, listen closely to what this person is saying and the actions they engage in just under the surface.
Pay attention to social cues. Remember how that narc you were fortunate enough to leave treated others who he felt were somehow beneath him? Do you recall how he responded to the waiter that made a mistake with his order or the receptionist when the doctor was taking too long? How did he treat your child’s teacher after she came home with just an average grade? Narcissists are really good at being charming to those they want to charm. They’re also really good at treating those they feel are less than like crap. If your child isn’t doing well in school, it’s clearly the fault of her teacher. If the doctor is taking too long, it has to be the receptionist’s doing. She probably forgot to let him know he’s waiting. If the kitchen mixes up an order, it has to be the waiter’s fault because he obviously wrote it down wrong. You see, even when most people wouldn’t be so rushed to judgment or would be able to see that these individuals are not at fault, narcissists are quick to point the finger. These individuals all provide a service and if the service isn’t acceptable to the narcissist, they must be punished. It’s also important to pay attention to how this person talks about others to you. If they’ are constantly belittling everyone else behind their back, chances are, your turn is up next.
Worry about over the top reactions. Life isn’t perfect and everything will not go perfectly for the narcissist all of the time. That’s just the way it is. But, while others may be able to shift gears and adapt easily, the narcissist cannot. He will likely become infuriated when he doesn’t get his way. Much like a toddler having a tantrum, he will very loudly announce his frustrations. This is when the mask tends to come off. He may have been super charming and incredible when things were moving along as expected, then BAM!, life throws a curveball and a whole new side is revealed. If you see this and have already escaped once, it can be very triggering. Listen to your gut instinct when it tells you to run.
These are just a few of the signs that another narc has weaseled his way into your life despite your best intentions. This time pay closer attention to the signs and you may be able to save yourself from reliving the same toxic cycle.