Narcissists tend to target fun-loving, intelligent, witty, social, successful mates that just so happen to also have an empathetic heart and a willingness to help others. To a narcissist, these individuals represent everything he longs to be and can never be on his own. The narcissist chooses a partner based on how the individual will help his image (the victim is no more than an extension of self) while, at the same time, how willing they’ll be to succumb to a subservient role and become completely dependent on the narcissist. This is the perfect formula for offering narcissistic supply which fills an abuser’s cup and contributes to his grandiose sense of self. It also allows him to further suppress his own internal shame and feelings of unworthiness. Narcissists need others to make them feel complete.
Because victims tend to be once confident, successful individuals on their own, they often do not want to admit that they’ve succumb to their new role. They’re ashamed to admit this to loved ones, particularly those who have known this person for a long time, will likely believe the victim is incapable of falling for a monster and, of course, she can just leave if she wants. After all, this person isn’t that gullible, right? And they certainly wouldn’t chase someone who is only going to bring them down.
If the victim is not ready to leave the relationship – because many will want to try everything possible to stay and fix it first – it’s deemed far easier to withdrawal from their social circles until they ‘can figure it out.’ Social withdrawal is a solution sought by many once successful, independent victims because not only are they used to handling things on their own, but they are likely determined to figure out what’s ‘off’ about this person the same as they figure out everything else.
Unfortunately, figuring it out is simply impossible. Nothing the person tries will ever be good enough. And, maybe for the first time in their lives, they’ll realize they’re unable to repair the situation. This intensifies shame over time as the victim becomes more willing to isolate and fulfill their new role – couple this with self-doubt, and they generally never reengage socially.
Victims of narcissistic abuse are hand-selected by their abusers. Because they are normally intelligent problem-solvers with big hearts, the narcissist knows they will not immediately leave. They will want to dissect the ins and outs of this situation and try to adapt to and accommodate it the same as they’ve learned to do through all of life’s storms. This is what made them strong and independent to begin with. All the while, however, the narc will be smirking inside, knowing he holds all the cards and viewing the victim as a puppet to be controlled while seeking to understand the full extent of his sadistic game.
If you are in what feels like a mind-numbing situation and you simply cannot place your finger on exactly what’s off, pay close attention to the physical and psychological cues your mind and body will inevitably give you. Are you exhausted all the time? Run down? Unable to concentrate? Anxious? Experiencing sleep difficulties? Stomach issues? Feel nauseous even thinking of discussing your relationship with others? These could very well be signs you have fallen prey to a narcissist. The best thing you can do is stop trying to figure this person out and leave for good.
Break the silence, break the cycle.