To the average person, it is intuitively understood that one cannot assert control over everything in life. In fact, the only thing that is within our control is our own actions and reactions. However, this fact is not so intuitive to pathological narcissists who feel as if they must maintain control over every aspect of life.
Clearly, the need to maintain dominance over what is understood by most to be largely uncontrollable is a character flaw, so it is not pure coincidence that narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) shows up in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM). Because narcissism has been widely popularized by the media, it is important to understand that this is a spectrum disorder and to say one is narcissistic may be far different than to say one has NPD. In fact, everyone is narcissistic to a certain degree. Narcissism is an inherent humanistic trait and is only considered to be a mental disorder when it crosses the line into pathological behavior. So, while the term ‘narcissism’ is widespread, there is a certain set of criteria that must be met to diagnose someone with NPD.
That being said, if an individual has NPD, one cannot assume he or she views the world in the same light as someone who does not – who doesn’t have a grandiose sense of self and who is not unempathetic towards others. The mindset of a pathological narcissist is entirely self-centered, and the rest of the world exists to serve the narcissist’s needs. This means there is no differentiation between other people and inanimate objects. In the mindset of an individual with NPD, for example, a spouse may serve his needs the same as a stove does – both cook his meals. While this seems entirely illogical and unfair to others, the narcissist sees absolutely nothing wrong with this connection.
Because this is the mindset of an individual with NPD, it is only natural to assume the narc believes that he has control over his spouse the same as he has control over his stove. The spouse is an extension of self that exist solely for the purpose of fulfilling the narcissist’s needs. When the stove breaks, the narcissist feels like he has lost control over an aspect of his space. This frustrates him, and he will likely blame the other ‘thing’ that cooks his meals – the spouse. Because the stove and the spouse were supposed to make sure the narc can eat, in the mind of the narc, clearly the spouse is not living up to her role.
This scenario, as ridiculous as it may seem, should hopefully shed some light on how the narcissist’s mind operates. Understanding this, it can be easier to understand why it might be easier to try to make the narcissist’s life as simple as possible and help control be maintained than it is to go against the grain. Because any loss of control on the narcissist’s part means those in his intimate space will be targeted, it’s less dangerous to try and maintain order.
Next, we will discuss how to do so without slipping into total dependence and entirely losing one’s sense of self. As a disclaimer, however, it is always best to end a toxic relationship and go entirely no contact whenever possible. This is the only way to ensure a narcissist can no longer maintain sadistic control and wear down a victim with abusive tactics.