Let’s touch on a piece of the post-trauma puzzle that is relevant to many survivors, and that is the struggle with overcoming addiction and living a sober life. Not everyone turns to substances and other addictions to numb the pain of trauma while they are in the midst of crisis, but many do, and thus, it’s important that we talk about it.
When mental health is not made a priority and when it is stigmatized as being an indicator that someone is crazy or “less than” in some way, leaving a person who is struggling without a “socially acceptable” avenue to help, addiction tends creeps in.
I’ll use an example to illustrate…
Let’s say an individual is being abused physically, mentally, emotionally and/or financially by their spouse, and as part of these abusive tactics, this person is being told repeatedly they have “mental issues.” So much so, in fact, they begin to believe they do. Plus, the environment they’re living in, by its very nature, would cause anyone to feel this way. However, mental health is a taboo concept in their home, and they know they cannot get help because their partner would go ballistic. (The real reason, whether the victim realizes it or not, is likely that the abuser is afraid of being found out.)
So, maybe the victim starts to seek out treatment without using insurance and paying cash for each visit, because they believe if they “have mental issues” they should “take care of them” in order to discontinue the abuse. They are offered an opportunity time and again to talk about the partnership they’re in by the practitioner who senses something is off, but because abuse victims are all too often gaslighted and manipulated into total submission, they may not see that their relationship is the source of their struggles. If they do see this, they are commonly unwilling to share with the practitioner. Instead, they are more often than not diagnosed with depression and general anxiety, or an adjustment disorder, and offered treatments to remedy this.
Let’s say this person visits a psychiatrist who offers them an anti-depressant to help manage their symptoms. They make sure to accept services without insurance and pick up the prescription with cash, thus leaving no paper trail for their captor to discover. However, not only will their anxiety and/or depression worsen simply because of these hiding behaviors and the risk of being found out and subjected to more abuse, but there is also an ongoing risk of running out of money if they are financially abused and given limited resources. Plus, they have not addressed the underlying issue and source of their pain and will not be truly relieved of their symptoms until they have gotten out of a detrimental situation.
Eventually, this simply isn’t sustainable. Either the individual who is trying desperately to take care of themselves under the radar while still living a nightmare will believe the hidden situation is far too complicated and stop seeking treatment or their abusive spouse will discover what they are doing, throw away the medication, and threaten them, ensuring they do not return.
Can you predict what happens next? It is likely this person, who is now unable to receive proper treatment, will continue to find their situation to be unbearable and turn to an easier means of numbing the pain. The quickest and easiest way to do this is to pick up a bottle of alcohol. It’s quicker, cheaper, easier to obtain, and doesn’t constitute seeking mental health treatment, so they’re likely not to get in as much trouble with their abuser.
Eventually, of course, this also becomes unsustainable as substance dependence creeps in, the partnership continues to fail, and the victim feels more trapped than they ever did before. They believe they are completely alone because not only do they have to keep the abuse that happens behind closed doors to themselves, but they now have to hide a shameful addiction. Yet, I have seen it happen time and time again – each time this vicious cycle beginning with an abuser unwilling to allow a victim to seek help.
This is not okay.
Why do abuse victims and victims of trauma continue to feel abandoned, trapped, alone, and incapable of leaving their circumstances? As long as the trauma cycle continues, the addiction cycle will to, at least for some. There needs to be more resources for individuals turning to substances to numb the pain of trauma and abuse. And, only we – as friends, lovers, family, and confidants to those in the addiction cycle – can create and disseminate credible information. If we have lived this and have broken free, we have an even greater responsibly to help guide others out of isolation and into sobriety.
If someone you know is in a difficult situation and has fallen victim not only to their circumstances but to addiction, ask yourself what you can do to help. This can be scary – not only because you might get yourself into a toxic situation but because addiction is taboo and something we don’t just discuss. But, perhaps rather than jumping in feet first, it starts with offering access to resources and information and allowing this person to reach out when they’re ready. Hopefully, some day they will be.
It may also mean that you offer support and companionship where they’re at rather than charging in to save them from their circumstances. Most addicts don’t want to be addicted. And, most addicts didn’t just pick up one day thinking they would be better off in a toxic cycle in which they feel they cannot escape. Most addicts pick up, choosing a poor solution to an even bigger problem. This is important to understand. So, sometimes all that is needed is a listening ear willing to hear the hard stuff.
Of course, safety always has to come first. Often once these cycles have become ingrained in an individual’s daily habits, they are difficult to break. And, the truth is, victims (and only the victims) have to want to break them and voluntarily seek out opportunities to do so. If treatment is sought for anyone else or for any other reason, it’s likely to fail. Only when this individual reaches a certain point and wants to do it for themselves is it most likely to succeed.
On the outside, the only thing that can be done is to offer courage and hope. Every situation is different, and every relationship is different, and the extend to which this is offered and exactly what it looks like will inevitably vary. But we cannot simply sit back and watch these things happen to those we love without intervening in some way, shape, or form. The alternative is too devastating.
If you are in a detrimental situation and feel trapped, isolated, and alone, please know you are not. There are resources out there for your disposal. There are people willing to help. There are ways to get out. You have the strength inside of you to do it, but it has to be up to you to take that first step. Rest assured, there are helping hands to catch you if you fall.
Let’s break the stigma surrounding mental health. In doing so, we will break down barriers for potentially would-be addicts who will choose to seek healthier ways to heal. Let’s advocate for and continue to give a voice to abuse victims, especially through campaigns like #MeToo.
Knowledge is power. And, if you are with a partner who will not allow you to seek mental health services when you know they are needed or know of someone who is, this is a huge red flag! You should feel empowered to exercise self-care.
Break the silence, break they cycle. This is the first step towards sustainable healing.