By: Sara E. Teller
Those who’ve went through a divorce with a narcissist know how quickly they were made to see his true colors. No narcissist likes being backed into a corner and called out for everything they’ve tried to keep behind closed doors. If you’ve been lucky enough to leave, you can expect to see your soon-to-be ex’s authentic self very quickly, and if you have children with the narcissist, the wrath will be that much greater. While knowing what to expect in advance may not save you from this experience, it can help you plan your next move.
Narcissistic partnerships tend to follow three stages – idealize, devalue and discard. After being love-bombed for some time (just long enough to be trapped at every level), the narc will transition to devaluing you in a way that is, perhaps, first barely noticeable and, eventually, hard to miss. Devaluing usually begins by gaslighting the victim. This tactic makes the victim question everything she knows, thinks or does. It will leave a person second-guessing everything about themselves, and in this way, the narcissist wears down the other person’s self-esteem to the point that they feel “unable” to leave for good.
After some time, however, the narcissist will usually become bored and tired of having to use slights that fly just below the radar. When he is beginning to get ready for the discard stage, the insults usually begin to get more direct. It is typically in this transitionary stage that victims start to realize they’re in a dangerous situation and those who feel empowered enough to leave begin to plan their escape. It’s here that the need to make a decision about the future of a relationship becomes evident and the ability for a victim to get out will depend largely on what resources (both internal and external) they have left.
Other signs that a relationship with a narcissist is nearing an end include the narc becoming more brazen about devious behavior that has likely been happening all along but has remain hidden. He may feel like he no longer needs to hide affairs, entrapment, or other philandering ways. As a victim begins to connect the dots, the narcissist will make his attempts to move on more blatant. He may spend less and less time at home, suddenly having a busier-than-usual workload or other obligations that seem to appear from nowhere. This sudden boost in importance not only allows him to spend less time tending to the relationship but might be used as a way to further gaslight the victim. Suddenly he is more important, more sought after and more loved than he had before. As the narcissist becomes “more important,” a partner ready to leave may back out for a time – just long enough for the narcissist to perform a final, over-the-top act that will sever ties for good (on his terms).
If you’ve gotten to this stage, have a plan to leave and can safely execute it, take a deep breath and move forward. It will likely be very difficult to take this leap, but once you’ve made it to the other side, it’s crucial that you never look back. Victims-turned-survivors should always go no contact with their abuser and refuse to allow themselves to be susceptible to any attempts by the narc to reestablish communication. Being sucked back into the partnership will only ensure you’re stuck in the same position that you were before (only worse) and leave you open to more abuse and a life-destroying discard.
If you have children with the narcissist, oftentimes the abuse doesn’t end with the partnership. And, unfortunately, once the narcissist is no longer to maintain direct control over you, he will likely turn to your offspring to maintain dominance.
It can be heartbreaking to see your kids being taken advantage of due to the narcissist’s lingering spite towards you and your ability to get away. Know that you can only do what you can do. The rest is beyond your control and, eventually, the kids will realize what is happening. In the meantime, maintaining consistency of care no matter what the narcissist throws your (and their) way is all that matters. As long as you continue to show up, are reliable, and model what a loving parent is, you are doing everything you can. Rest assured that anything short of this will be uncovered. It’s true – three things cannot long be hidden: the sun, the moon and the truth.
One way of coming to terms with the fact that the narcissist will never change and that he will continue to use your children as pawns is to understand that he is modeling everything a parent shouldn’t be. This, as difficult as it may seem to endure in the present, will serve the children well in the long run when they, too, become parents. They will know how to be caring and consistent and how not to be. Inadvertently, the narcissist (as always) will cause of their own demise. In trying to get back at you through the kids, they will destroy that relationship just like every other they’ve had. You need only to sit back and watch.
Answer any questions the kids may have along the way as honestly and objectively as possible. The more you stick with the facts, the better. This will allow your children to reason and come to a conclusion about healthy versus unhealthy parenting styles themselves. Just as a therapist knows to guide a client to generate change themselves, so will allowing your children to notice the toxic traits of a narcissist will be most beneficial. A therapist can guide the client to a point that she takes notice her own destructive patterns of behavior and decide (on her own) to change. In this way, the client realizes she is making changes because she wants to rather than at the suggestion of someone else. Allowing your children’s moral compass to naturally note the toxic traits of a narcissist is most beneficial. The modeling of the narcissist will speak louder than your words.
Of course, as you know all too well, a narcissist will attempt to play the victim as soon as he is found out. He may persuade your children into believing that you’ve caused any destruction he’s caused to himself. Stay steadfast and try not to worry. Tough questions may arise from time to time but don’t let the narcissist’s words or actions get under your skin. Trust the process and trust that things always have a way of working out for the better. Remember, no reaction is a strong one. Even when what you witness disgusts you, you don’t have to satisfy the narc’s need for supply by reacting. Answer the tough questions your kids have with facts and allow the narcissist’s self-pity to speak volumes with regards to his level of maturity.
Ending a relationship with a narcissist isn’t easy, but it can be done. Ending a partnership with children is also possible. It’s important to know what to expect and what not to, to choose your battles wisely and to avoid reacting when you can’t change the outcome. We’ll delve into these things in greater detail in weeks ahead.