Most people, when they’re clearly in the wrong (whether this needs to be pointed out by a third-party or is fully owned and accepted by the perpetrator), will feel guilty about his or her actions, apologize to the victim and move on, hopefully not repeating the same mistakes time and again. Not a narcissist.
You see, a narcissist is never wrong. This person doesn’t have any faults. In fact, any faults perceived by others are reflections of their own shortcomings. So, if a narcissist explodes and says terrible things, it’s because you made her do it. If she forgets a child’s birthday, you should have helped her to remember. No matter the situation, you are at fault for all of the narcissist’s wrongdoings. Period.
It’s All Your Fault!
Not only are you responsible for all of the wrongdoings, but the narcissist is actually a victim of your actions. Because you didn’t remind him of your sister’s wedding, he got home late from work and missed the ceremony. Because he couldn’t eat the crappy dinner you made the night before, he was hungry and irritable at work, which made him lose his job. You get the point. Big or small, you’re to blame and the narcissist is the victim.
This is because a narcissist cannot internalize any faults. To do so would be far too painful and would stir up long-held emotional anguish from trauma. So, instead, you must carry these faults. She will project all shortcomings onto you in an attempt to continue convincing herself she is perfect.
Eventually, you’ll feel as if you can’t do anything right. The narcissist wants you to believe that all of your decisions are faulty and you can’t move on without her. Everything you do, say or feel is wrong. So, why should you trust your own judgment? How can you be certain you can make it without her? All part of the game.
Emotional Over-Exaggeration
Narcissists tend to over-exaggerate reactions from other people. For instance, say you ask him to grab some milk after work. When he returns home, you notice he doesn’t have a carton so you simply utter, “Oh, you must have forgotten.” Instead of running back out or just apologizing and promising to pick it up the next time he’s out, he’ll feel narcissistic injury has been inflicted, demanding you stop “threatening” him and telling you to “stop being so crazy!” The pain of your comment will linger and the narcissist will typically either give you the silent treatment or a double-dose of revengeful slights.
What’s more, the narcissist is likely to tell anyone who will listen about how crazy you are and how you’re always nagging. After all, the narcissist is a master of staying at the center of everyone’s attention and creating a flawless façade in the midst of his adoring public. Because this person, by all intents and purposes, appears to be everything he says he is to those on the outside looking in, they’ll have no reason to question his words.
Once the narcissist has not only you but everyone else around you believing you suck at life, it can be very difficult to summon the courage to walk away. Many choose to “accept their fate” and come to terms with feeling imprisoned forever. They believe they have don’t have a choice and it’s easier to live in silence than go to war.
You can’t win. Or, can you? You can win — by leaving. Save yourself the mental anguish and cut ties altogether.
Knowledge is power. If this resonated with you, please share. There are others out there who need to know they’re worth it!
Wow. All along in my marriage I was going through what you spoke about. It was only in the past 8 weeks since our separation that I’m beginning to be able to notice the points raised in your article. I had been suspecting my partner had a narsassistic victim mentality especially the last 4 weeks of processing our Marriage. And after reading your article, I have found some closure . The separation while sad on some level has been overshadowed with joy, freedom and an increase self belief and self worth. In being comfortable being myself and making decisions and trusting myself which for many years eluded me. Next step for me after having read your article is to develop compassion for my ex partner and work on being the best co parents for our Lovley daughters. Thanks !
Hi! Thank you for the comment. I am so glad the information was helpful. Please remember, this too shall pass! Continue to follow the posts to this page, and don’t lose hope. My thoughts are with you!