Narcissistic abuse victimization can lead to paralyzing self-doubt that continues to plague the target even if he or she is able to escape. Through constant conditioning and grooming, victims often have difficulty making even the simplest decisions for themselves, including what to have for dinner or what movie to watch next. They feel they cannot trust their own decision-making and cannot arrive at any conclusion without the help of their abuser.
Part of this conditioning is a period of time in which the individual, still empowered by a sense of independence, likely attempted to make their own choices and were ridiculed for it. They were belittled and made to feel less than, so eventually, they became incapable of feeling effective without the narcissist’s input. Slowly but surely, narcissists wear their targets down to as close to ‘nothing’ as they can, so victims feel as if they cannot exert any kind of independent thinking. In this way, they fall into complete subservience, willing to go along with the narcissist’s wishes, and do as they are told. They may even start mirroring the behaviors of their abuser or believing the abuser’s actions aren’t as bad as they seem, a phenomenon known as cognitive dissonance. Distorted thinking occurs and the victim’s behaviors might directly contradict their own stated values system.
Another form of self-doubt that tends to emerge is a chronic sense of second-guessing. Victims might ask themselves ‘what if’ questions, such as, ‘What if I had done this? What if I hadn’t done this?’ They begin to believe every decision they make is flawed and, in every instance, they could have done better. They self-criticize without mercy and become unable to trust their own sense of competency, which further isolates them and ensures they remain under the narcissist’s control.
Imagine being asked to take the lead on a project at work. This should be a flattering proposal, an opportunity to let your hard work and expertise shine, right? To most, yes. However, if you are being abused at home by a narcissist, this proposition can be extremely terrifying. You may not know where to even start. As you brainstorm ideas, you may second-guess everything that comes to mind. Ultimately, it’s very likely you will want to ask the narcissist how you should tackle things. And this is a recipe for disaster. The narcissist will make the project his, offering ideas while belittling your ability to actually execute his plan. You’ll feel even more inferior, frustrated, and discouraged.
For this same reason, it can be difficult for outsiders to understand what is happening. Let’s say you’ve always done well at work prior to meeting your abuser – which is likely the case because narcs choose successful partners. But this person has worn you down, made you feel paralyzed. Talking about why you’ve changed seems impossible, shameful even, so you try to keep it under wraps. Eventually, the change for the worse due to self-doubt will become all too evident, though, and because you haven’t opened up, it could be perceived as entirely self-inflicted. Many victims of narcissism end up losing everything, including their employment, because of the psychological effects of this abuse. This is part of the narcissist’s plan – it always was. If you are entirely disconnected from the rest of the world, it is much easier to control you.
The sooner one can escape narcissistic abuse, the better. These paralyzing effects of self-doubt can linger long after the fact but staying in the situation will only make things worse over time. If you haven’t felt like yourself for a while, feel as if you cannot trust your own judgment or perform daily functions like you used to, take a step back and ask yourself when you first noticed this happening. Was it when you began to be devalued by your partner? If this is the case, it’s time to consider whether the relationship you’re in is a healthy one worth keeping or has had a negative impact on your life.
Break the silence, break the cycle.