Have narcissists been traumatized more so than others in their childhood? Or, are they just especially sensitive to trauma? What causes some to move past the trauma while others seem to remain stuck indefinitely?
There are all kinds of different things that can happen to us as children which induce trauma. Abuse, neglect, having a mentally unstable or substance using parent, witnessing the death of a close friend or loved one. The possibilities really are endless.
In fact, research has shown that most individuals do not escape childhood without some mental and emotional scarring. The world is imperfect and, therefore, it is rare that anyone would describe their childhood as perfectly normal. Yet, some mature into adulthood showing little to no signs of sustained mental or emotional trauma, while others are forever destined to live as victims. Why is this? Why are some seemingly more resistant to the effects of childhood scarring than others?
Let’s take a closer look at the development of narcissism specifically. As infants, we are inherently narcissistic. Not only are we unable to realize that others have emotions, we actually consider others extensions of self. We may view our mother as the part of self that soothes. Our father may be viewed as the part of self that protects. It’s natural for infants to cry out for their caregivers and ‘use’ them as a source of comfort and protection.
Then, as we move into the teenage years, most of us wish to assert some level of independence. Many of us rebel, purposely breaking society’s rules or any social norms that represent constraint. By this time, if we’ve matured ‘normally’, we realize that others have their own thoughts and feelings, ambitions and motives. Our caregivers are no longer needed to the extent they were when we are infants and we can respect that they’re no longer going to provide the instant gratification they did when they comforted us as babies.
This is, of course, if we’ve matured ‘normally’. If we haven’t, particularly if our support systems did not allow for it, we remain stuck at the emotional level the develops in infancy – maybe, indefinitely.
This is what, theoretically, happens to individuals with narcissistic personality disorder.
Those with NPD are said to have been loved either too much or not enough in those early influential years. This imbalance was prevalent well into the adolescent years when a greater sense of independence and self-love was supposed to have occurred naturally.
Think about the ramifications of too much love. This individual is likely unable to make any of his or her own decisions. Early caregivers provided so much protection that the individual is made to feel entirely too vulnerable when left alone. They attach to others in an attempt to make up for their own lack of self-worth, and because they’ve always received undivided attention from loved ones, the narcissist who was over-loved simply expects this in any relationship that develops in adulthood.
Why wouldn’t his mate cater to his every need? Why should he be expected to take some initiative and help out around the home? The chance to develop healthy relational functioning and empathy for others went by the wayside long ago.
This is essentially what has happened to the narcissist who was under-loved, neglected and/or abused as a child, as well. Nothing the narcissist did in those impressionable years was ever good enough or worthy of positive recognition. He or she worked exceptionally hard to garner some attention, positive or negative, oftentimes trying to steal the spotlight from another ‘favored’ child to no avail.
Therefore, when the under-loved narcissist enters adulthood, he or she believes they are damn well due some praise and attention for their accomplishments. Such attention is long overdue, in fact, and anyone who enters the narcissist’s radar had better understand this. They revel in the attention they receive from others. It becomes addicting. The narcissist can’t get enough.
This is why even the smallest slight wields these individuals right back into the misery and shame of their childhood. They feel exposed and unworthy, and must seek revenge on the assailant. How dare anyone make the narcissist feel that low again! They must pay for inducing the same pain they felt as children.
Pathological narcissism is largely a result of how the narcissist was parented in childhood. Yet, studies have also shown genetics can lead certain individuals to handle this trauma by developing unhealthy narcissistic traits. Whether an individual simply ‘brushes off’ unwanted aspects of these early years or chooses to carry the burden by developing some form of pathology may very well be random. After all, no two people are the same.