Human beings have an inherent need for belongingness. We naturally gravitate toward connection with others, and when we are deprived of this, unsettling feelings of loneliness and depression start to surface. It is unnatural to exist in isolation.
Of course, one can live alone, travel alone, or do activities alone and this can be very healthy. It is important to make time for self-reflection and doing the things we yearn to do. Most of us enjoy having some alone time.
Living in isolation and spending time alone are not the same thing. While taking time to ourselves is generally something we choose to do, living in isolation is all too often something that is imposed upon us and we don’t have a choice. It is the choice of someone else to keep us disconnected.
It is common for those living in toxic situations with abusers to be isolated from friends and family. This makes it much easier to subject an individual to abuse. It creates a sense of dependence on the abuser, which is the ultimate goal. As long as dependence exists, control exists, and as long as the abuser is in control, the victim remains submissive. Outside connections are viewed as a threat to this power dynamic.
If a victim is isolated against his or her will for an extended period of time, they will begin to break down both internally and externally from the negative feelings associated with being entirely alone. It is not unlike being held a prisoner – feeling trapped and helpless.
When this break down occurs, addiction has a tendency of creeping in. The isolated individual wants so desperately to escape. Since they cannot physically do so, however, they may try to escape mentally and emotionally. This makes the situation a bit more bearable – at least in the short run.
In the long run, however, the addiction will only make things worse. As an individual continues to engage in self-destructive behavior, they will become dependent both on substances and on the abuser. They will be weaker than they were before, both mentally and physically. And, this will cause them to feel even more trapped and isolated.
An abuser may allow this behavior to persist for some time because they enjoy the added level of dependency the victim has inflicted upon themselves. It helps keep the game going without requiring any added effort from the captor. It also allows for more shaming and gaslighting to occur in order to maintain control.
This is why it is so important to leave a toxic situation and to seek out social connection. While it’s important to spend time in quiet self-reflection, being able to feel a sense of belonging is also important. It’s all about balance. You must find just the right amount of each to maintain overall well-being. And, finding balance is a key component of sustainable healing.
If you need help with getting to the other side of an addiction, call SAMHSA’s National Helpline – 1-800-662-HELP (4357).
Break the silence, break the cycle.