By: Sara E. Teller
It is easy to throw around the word “narcissist” when talking about someone who regularly exhibits selfish behavior. If you are frustrated with someone because they don’t seem to be considering your feelings when making decisions, you might decide that they are narcissistic and stick them with that label moving forward.
But is that an accurate description of what is going on? It might be the case that this person truly has narcissistic personality disorder – or they might just be selfish and full of themselves.
So, which is it? There are some useful ways to tell the difference between the two. Here are some ways to differentiate between conceitedness and clinical narcissism.
The Common Thread
Anyone that you might have in mind regarding this discussion is likely to be very self-centered. That’s the trait that is first going to cause you to think about whether or not they have NPD. When someone seems to think that the world revolves around them and there is no one else as important as them, it’s only natural to consider that they could have the cluster B condition.
It’s easy for this trait to cause difficulty in personal relationships. When someone is only willing to consider what is best for them, and never seems to be others-centered in any way, meaningful relationships are difficult to maintain. They may actually go to great lengths to ensure they get what they want, even if that’s at the expense of someone else’s well-being.
It could be that someone in your life – like a sibling or parent – has always exhibited these traits, or it could be that someone like a partner or spouse has started to behave this way with more and more frequency. Whatever the case, this desire to collect as much attention and praise as possible will have negative consequences for all involved.
A Big Difference
You won’t be surprised to learn that both of these categories are typified by a focus on self. What you may not realize yet, however, is that these two classifications can be separated by the empathy that some self-centered people are able to display toward others. If someone is simply full of themselves, but is not dealing with NPD, it’s likely that they will still be able to recognize the feelings and concerns of other people – even if they don’t always act in a considerate manner.
With true narcissism. It’s the lack of empathy that can be considered a calling card. As an example, consider a situation where you confront an individual about their behavior, commenting on how something they did or said hurt your feelings. A self-centered individual will be more open to accepting those comments and actually consider how things could be
different in the future. The self-centered action still occurred, but there is some room for reflection and change based on the circumstances.
It’s that reflection and openness to change that tends to be lacking in cases of NPD. With narcissism, the reaction to any criticism is more likely to be anger and frustration, rather than open listening. In fact, a narcissist will often blame others for their own actions, saying that what they did wrong was caused by other people. This is the particularly difficult thing about dealing with someone with NPD, as it’s not only their selfishness that has to be addressed, but also the blame they will often force onto others.
Bringing Others Down
By definition, someone who is full of themselves is frequently trying to promote their own accomplishments or achievements. Getting attention from others is the name of the game, and conversations will often be turned back toward their own story at any opportunity.
While that might be annoying, it’s not particularly damaging. When the line into narcissism territory is crossed, however, the story can change, and it can become more harmful. With a narcissist, it’s usually not good enough to draw attention and talk about status or accomplishments. It’s also the case that someone with NPD will typically want to bring down another, belittling anything they have to say. So, not only do they want attention for being so great (in their own mind), but they also want to point out all the ways others are falling short.
This is where we see the ideas of empathy and sympathy really come into play once again. If someone is truly empathetic toward others, they won’t aim to bring down others, even if they do want to capture as much attention as possible for themselves. When someone in your life is regularly seeking to cut down what others say or do, that’s a sign that may point to NPD.
Another typically sign is that the person engages in passive-aggressive tactics to manipulate their victims. They tend to love bomb in the beginning, slowly switch over to devaluing the individual and, eventually, decide to discard them. At the end of the end, those with NPD engage in behavioral patterns and end up being predictable once you’re on to their game.
Once you understand the markers of true narcissistic personality disorder and how they deviate from being full of yourself, it’s pretty easy to tell the difference. If someone is exhibiting true signs of NPD, it may be helpful to work with a therapist who understands that area of mental health and can provide some tools and resources to potentially lessen the symptoms and the impact on important personal relationships.
Break the silence, break the cycle.