Idealize –Verb: regard or represent as perfect or better than in reality.
Let’s focus a little more on the idealize stage. This is the first stage in a romantic partnership with an individual who has narcissistic personality disorder. It is very important to understand what happens in this stage. And, yet, most simply do not before it’s too late.
First, it’s important to understand that relationships with subclinical narcissists follow three stages, which are consecutive and transition the relationship from everything you’ve ever wanted to everyone’s worst nightmare. The three stages are idealize, devalue, and discard. In this post, we’ll focus on idealize, then we’ll move on to the others in posts that follow.
The Idealize Stage
In this phase of a relationship, the narcissist is the “ideal” mate in every way. Once they zero in on who they believe would make their perfect next victim, they quickly pick up on cues regarding what this individual is looking for, what they do and do not want in a relationship, and what is sure to trap them. There are a few commonplace scenarios a narcissist uses to initially engage his victim.
An Online Introduction
Often, toxic relationships begin online. Dating sites are perfect hunting grounds for narcissists by their very design. Most survey their users, having them select their likes and dislikes in romantic partners, some even asking members to take a few tests in order to build a personality profile which will clearly represent who they are and who they’re looking for. Then, there’s usually free text fields, as well, where users can express their own thoughts. Narcissists pay particular attention to these.
Many narcissists, in general, are highly intelligent. We’re talking about people who have built their entire lives around projecting success in order to mask shame. Therefore, they have the common sense to know what a potential mate might be into and create their profiles based on these things. Then, they quickly get matched, of course, and start to study the pool of matches, carefully selecting who they believe will be the most vulnerable victim to contact.
Commonly, a narcissist will choose someone both convenient and codependent. He’s not going to drive across country for this person – that’s far too inconvenient. He’ll search closer to home. Then, he’ll read through profiles until he finds someone he believes he can easily dupe.
From Friendship to Partnership
Many narcissistic relationships also start with “friendships.” Note the quotes, which are used to denote that narcissists are never truly interested in, nor can they begin to even comprehend, friendship. However, they use this façade to begin communicating with potential prey. So, they will join clubs, events, and support groups (sadistically enough) to meet vulnerable victims.
The most common hunting grounds are churches. This is because no one expects to be duped by someone “pure enough” to regularly attend church. This helps the narcissist to very easily gain the trust of another member so he can quickly trap this individual.
Let’s be clear. Narcissists don’t like having to compromise themselves in any way to achieve their goals. They are inherently self-centered, and having to make too much of an effort to trap their prey is out of the question. You see, narcissists never intend to stay in the idealize stage. This is the toughest, yet most critical, stage in their game. They see it as a necessary evil, and these landscapes simply make the narcissist’s game easier.
Narcissists also have to pretend to possess traits that are extremely foreign to them in this initial phase. These are traits they have observed and picked up from others, yet have never truly felt. They want to move through idealize as quickly and seamlessly as possible, so they can start cementing their control over their victims in the next stage – devalue.
So, how can you spot a narcissistic predator?
Bottom line, if a partner seems too good to be true, they are. It’s flattering for someone to be making an incredible effort to garner your attention, but you need to take a step back and ask yourself why. Only those who are fully evolved will retain a notable sense of self-worth and dignity while trying to gain another’s awareness. Otherwise, they are masking internal unrest.
This is something that can be hard to decipher, yes, but someone who is at peace within will eventually project this in time. This is why we must take our time and truly get to know someone.
Time is your best weapon of defense against abuse and your strongest ally.
Narcissists feel they have no time. If you keep insisting on taking things slow, his true colors will begin to surface. He will start to pout, throw tantrums, and lay the gaslighting on thick. The more you resist, the more you will see. Anyone who is not a pathological narcissist will respect your desire to take things slow.
This is how you’ll be able to realize what you’ve gotten yourself into. Remember, the best salesmen give their clients deadlines. Salesmanship 101 – create a sense of urgency. If you see this happening, it’s a red flag. Stand your ground and take your time, so hopefully, you’ll never have to endure buyer’s remorse in the stage that comes next.