The Psychological Impact of Narcissistic Abuse

Because victims of narcissists often have trouble understanding they are being emotionally targeted, recognizing not only the signs of this form of abuse but the reasons why it’s hard to accept is key for self-protection.  Let’s consider the psychological impact on the victim.  Here are four prominent signs you or someone you love has been victimized by a narcissist.

Paralyzing self-doubt. Due to constant conditioning and grooming, victims of narcissistic abuse often have difficulty making even the simplest decisions for themselves, including what to have for dinner or what movie to watch next.  They feel they cannot trust their own decision-making and cannot arrive at any conclusion without the help of their abuser.  Part of this conditioning is a period of time in which the individual, still empowered by a sense of independence, attempts to make their own choices and are ridiculed for it.  They are belittled and made to feel less than, so eventually, they become incapable of feeling effective without the narcissist’s input.

Another form of self-doubt that tends to emerge is a chronic sense of second-guessing.  Victims might ask themselves ‘what if’ questions, such as, ‘What if I had done this? What if I hadn’t done this?’   They begin to believe every decision they make is flawed and, in every instance, they could have done better.  In this way, they self-criticize without mercy and become unable to trust their own competency.

A sense of total helplessness. Because it seems nothing the victim does is right and they cannot do anything to make the relationship better, a crippling sense of helplessness ensues.  The person feels as if they’re ‘damned if they do, damned if they don’t.’  Any solution they arrive at is only going to be criticized by the narcissist, so they are unable to continue coming up with solutions.  Eventually, they hit a dead end and see no way out.  This helplessness can easily transition to hopelessness and depression if it lingers long enough.

Social withdrawal and isolation. Narcissists tend to target fun-loving, intelligent, witty, successful mates that just so happen to also have an empathetic heart and a willingness to help others.  The narcissist chooses a partner based on how the individual will help the narcissist’s image (the victim is no more than an extension of self) while, at the same time, how willing they’ll be to succumb to a subservient role and become completely dependent on the narcissist.  This is the perfect formula for offering narcissistic supply which fills an abuser’s cup and contributes to his grandiose sense of self. 

Because victims were once successful individuals on their own, they often do not want to admit that they’ve succumb to their new role.  They’re ashamed to admit this to loved ones, particularly those who have known this person for a long time and will likely believe the victim is incapable of falling for a monster and can leave if she wants.  If the victim is not ready to leave the relationship – because many will want to try everything possible to stay and fix it first – it’s deemed far easier to withdrawal from their social circles until they ‘can figure it out.’ 

Unfortunately, figuring it out is simply impossible.  Nothing the person tries will ever be good enough.  And, maybe for the first time in their lives, they’ll realize they’re unable to repair the situation.  This intensifies shame over time, the victim becomes more willing to isolate and fulfill their new role, and couple this with self-doubt, they generally never reengage socially.

Severe anxiety. Being in this toxic situation is extremely anxiety-provoking on multiple levels.  For one, the victim lives in constant fear of being demeaned by the narcissist or disappointing him.  They also feel trapped, worrying about what would happen if they tried to leave while at the same time worrying about what will happen if they stay.  This anxiety eventually infiltrates into many facets of the person’s life, contributing to feelings of helplessness and a desire to isolate.  Physically, eating and sleeping habits become affected by the constant stress and mind and body is under, and a victim can even become extremely ill.  Oftentimes, if finally able to break free, an individual will suffer from anxiety indefinitely in the form of post-traumatic stress disorder.  This can be treated in therapy and by practicing at-home techniques to ease symptoms, but the lasting effects on the whole person are undeniable.

Victims usually cannot wrap their heads around what is happening because they believe if the person they’re with says they love them, they wouldn’t do the things their own intuition is telling them they’re doing.  What tends to get overlooked is the concept of narcissistic love.  Narcissists are incapable of loving at the level most individuals do.  They view individuals as extensions of self.  Thus, they love on the surface and out of convenience.  So long as a partner is serving them the way they need to be served, they’ll ‘love’ this person – but only the same as their car that gets them to work on time or their bed that helps them fall asleep at night.  In the mind of the narcissist, all are to be loved because all serve them.

Love, to a narcissist, has nothing to do with heartfelt emotions that cause an individual to care for and respect another person while maintaining healthy boundaries and valuing their partner’s perspective.  This is a completely foreign concept to a narc.  So, just because a narcissist say he loves you, this doesn’t mean you won’t fall victim to the sadistic game played to enhance his self-image.  And, yes, he will do these terrible things to you despite claiming to love you.

Relationships with narcissists are exceedingly damaging, and things only get worse over time.  The sooner you understand the meaning of narcissistic love and recognize the psychological impact, the sooner you can get out and go not contact once and for all.  Knowledge is power!

Break the silence, break the cycle.