When you’re stuck in a toxic bond for a significant period of time, it can be especially difficult to release yourself entirely in the aftermath. Toxicity is maintained through control and pathological patterns of lying and manipulation. It’s very easy to lose yourself when you’re continually gaslighted and to feel empty inside.
Trauma bonding typically occurs when two people enter into an unhealthy partnership in which the foundation is, very self-explanatorily, based on the trauma each party has experienced. This can occur between someone who is co-dependent and someone who has a personality disorder such as those in the Cluster Bs or the dark triad. A sadistic game ensues in which the toxic individual employs underhanded tactics to make sure the other remains totally submissive, subjecting this person to all forms of abuse.
Escaping relatively unscathed is difficult. But if you’ve escaped, you can heal. The important thing is that survivors make a commitment to heal from the inside out.
Trauma bonding changes an individual and it’s likely that you won’t entirely recognize the person you’ve become at first. In abusive relationships, a victim rarely has time to focus on anything other than the abuser – this is a common tactic that maintains the bond. This means that often, when you escape, you will be self-reflecting for the first time since the relationship’s inception, and this can be very uncomfortable because it seems counterintuitive.
After making a decision to cut ties with the toxicity once and for all, however, and really listen to your internal thoughts and feelings, you’ll begin to understand that many of these were placed there by someone who no longer has any power over you.
You have free will and you’re no longer weighed down by a domineering partner. Therefore, you can freely replace negative thought patterns with positive ones.
Identifying “broken” internal patterns is necessary for “rebirth” in the post-trauma state. You must accept where you’ve been and where you are now in order to move forward to where you want to be. The decision to do so is up to you, and this is an important concept to grasp.
When you go inward and you start to recognize that the thoughts you’re experiencing no longer match your reality, you’ll be more readily able to discard them. If “I’m not good enough” notions seem to be on loop upstairs, actively challenge these. Why? Who put these thoughts there? How can you replace them? What can you replace them with?
Replace them with positive and more factual reflections, such as “I am courageous because I escaped” and “I am strong enough to rise above what I endured.” As you begin to understand more fully the impact you had, directly, on making it to his beautiful new phase of life, you’ll begin to regain a much-needed sense of self-confidence. Healing from the inside out is a continual journey. It’s something you will have to dedicate yourself every day. You’ve already proven you can rise above toxicity – don’t give up the fight.