We naturally self-sabotage. It’s just part of being human. We are our own worst critics. This can work to your advantage, of course. Your inner critic can push you do go further, do better, keep going. But, when self-sabotaging gets too overwhelming, it can have the reverse effect.
There are many ways to self-sabotage. It seems counterintuitive to engage in any of these when we’re not caught up in the toxic cycle of sabotaging, but the truth is, they are all too common. Oftentimes, engaging in self-sabotage again and again is a result of past trauma or experiences which stripped us of our self-confidence. Past mistakes or failures can solidify in the mind to the point that we continue toxic patterns that ensure they happen again and again because this is all we’ve ever experienced.
Deep-seated feeling of inadequacy or of not deserving happiness can get in the way of achieving those things that are desired. They can make our goals implausible. And, in a way, this pattern can become comforting, because it is known, and the unknown can be scary. Taking chances and risks, even when they are vital, can be difficult to do. It’s never easy to step out of one’s comfort zone and choose to learn and grow.
One way to self-sabotage includes not allowing something good to continue by engaging in behaviors which ensure things go awry. Another is not standing up for those things that you believe in and make you, you. Not appreciating what you have once you’ve accomplished a meaningful goal and taking your accomplishments for granted by wanting more rather than taking a moment to be thankful for what you’ve got are other forms of self-sabotage.
Avoidance is another self-sabotaging behavior. This occurs when there is something important that needs to be done but you chose to do something less important, but which provides immediate gratification, instead. For instance, you may have discovered something critical about someone, and you need to confront them. Since confrontation tends to be particularly difficult, however, you may opt to go shopping, hanging out with friends, or even engage in self-destructive behaviors such as substance use, to “take your mind off of” what actually needs to happen.
Obviously, eventually, this will catch up with you. And, you know this. But, nevertheless, you can convince your own mind to do something the is temporarily pleasure-deriving rather than face what’s uncomfortable. Even though there are consequences, engaging in a mindless activity that has nothing to do with this can make you forget about these consequences momentarily. You may falsely believe that by delaying the inevitable you are preparing for it because you are building up feel-good vibes but delaying important less-than-desirable conversations or events will only serve to create more anxiety and discomfort.
Another example of avoidance is refusing to engage in socialization altogether. By cutting ties with the outside world, you may, for the moment, feel as if you are in a comfortable bubble in which nothing negative can happen. Yet, the main problem with this is that humans are social creatures. Not only will feelings of loneliness creep in over time, but there will be a moment or two in which you need a listening ear, the advice of an outsider, or someone to come through for you – a extra helping hand – but no one will be there. They won’t be there because you shut everyone out. It is in these moments when you’ll realizing connection with others is an important part of life.
Rather than refusing to be social altogether, another common self-sabotaging behavior is inviting toxicity into your life, time and again. This could mean that you continually seek out dead-end jobs so you can continually complain about being stuck in a dead-end job. Or, it could mean seeking out toxic relationships repeatedly. This is often referred to as having a “victim’s mentality.” If you continually welcome toxicity into your life, you can play the victim of toxicity. It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy. It’s also a way to get attention, which temporarily makes one feel better. It’s also an avoidance measure in that your inner critic tells you that you’re not good enough for anything more worthwhile and, thus, you oblige.
Inviting in what’s detrimental to you can be particularly damaging if you are constantly seeking out abusive partnerships. And, this is why individuals tend to get stuck in the cycle of abuse over and over again even if their mates change. It is difficult for outsiders to understand why this happens, why victims cannot just release themselves. But, much of the cycle has to do with the victim’s own feelings of self-worth. If confidence is lacking, the cycle may continue to repeat itself indefinitely.
Of course, abusers always attempt to strip their victims from feelings of self-worth in every way possible. Thus, as long as the victim is engaging with abusers, their will be no self-worth. Again, the toxic cycle persists.
You might choose to self-sabotage by making every relationship in your life toxic. Friendships, partnerships, and connections with loved ones can easily become toxic if you inject negative energy into them. If you start needless arguments or treat those in your social circle badly to the point that they are walking on eggshells around you or avoiding interacting with you, you are self-sabotaging. You are ensuring you are surrounded by unhealthy connections.
Another method of self-sabotage is spending money you’ve earned frivolously – even when you reach a point of financial destitution. If you continue to spend and dig yourself into debt, you are creating a very difficult to get out of situation and making sure you are a “victim of circumstance.”
Another self-sabotaging behavior include convincing the mind and body that you are too tired to do something. This can lead to procrastination, which can in turn, make things even more overwhelming as responsibilities start to pile up and become unmanageable. Chronic procrastination and lethargy can be a sign of depression. If you continually feel as if you are incapable of fulfilling responsibilities, are extremely tired all the time, and suffer from aches and pains, speak with a medical professional about your options.
There are so many ways in which we can engage in self-sabotaging. We must reframe negative thought patterns, rebuild confidence, and choose to heal in order to break these cycles. It is possible. Yet, somethings deep-seated trauma can feel so all-encompassing that the patterns persist. This is when it’s time to talk to someone who can help. Sustainable healing starts with accepting that you are worthwhile and summoning the courage to break free from self-inflicted toxicity.