In considering the concept of self-kindness and not being overly critical of ourselves for not seeing through the narcissist’s façade, we must acknowledge the existence and prevalence of cognitive distortions. These are common distortions in thought that lead us to have a skewed perception of reality. And, in the case of not seeing through the narcissist’s false self until we feel it’s too late, we should focus on a cognitive distortion known as hindsight bias, which suggests we should have known something was going to happen before it happened. It’s considered distorted thinking primarily because we made a choice at the time that was based on the knowledge we possessed at that time. The knowledge of the here-and-now is only good for problem-solving in the present.
You’ve probably heard the phrase, “Hindsight is 20/20.” In other words, you have more knowledge now than you did in the past and it’s easy for your present self to say you should have known better. Hindsight bias can have a major impact not only on your core values and beliefs but also on your actions. Believing this bias means viewing events as more predictable than they really were at the time. In many cases, it was impossible to know what you know now back then. You made the best decision you could at the time.
Deconstructing distorted thinking and understanding how our own bias can lead to unwarranted self-criticism helps build up confidence and a much-needed sense of competence in the post-trauma state. Unless we possess a psychic sixth sense and are able to predict the future, we base our words and behaviors off of what we know at any given point in our lives. We cannot predict the future, and you could not have predicted the love bombing would cease and you start to be devalued by your partner.
In considering this phenomenon, it’s also important to note that just because you chose one particular course of action, this doesn’t mean it was the only choice that could have been made. There are others and other outcomes tied to making those choices. The takeaway is: Life is inherently unpredictable, and we make the best decisions we can in light of this fact.
When you stop to consider just how unpredictable life truly is and all of the intricacies that go into how we choose to react to what’s happening around us, you come to realize that you had no control over falling victim to a narcissist. Releasing self-blame is essential to moving forward. Taking this first step will allow that internal guilt and shame to fall to the wayside so you can heal sustainably.