By: Sara E. Teller
When you are in a relationship with a narcissist, you might find that this individual uses what are known as “hoovering” tactics to bring you back into a relationship that you may otherwise want to leave or have left. The name comes from the Hoover vacuum brand, because this is a method of sucking people back into a relationship that no longer serves their needs.
This article is going to take a closer look at five common hoovering tactics. Once you are aware of these tactics and why they are often used, you’ll better be able to see them for what they are and avoid their potential impact on the decisions you make.
#1 – Tearing You Down with Others. One of the ways a narcissist can pull you back into a relationship and turn the attention back on themselves is by talking negatively about you with others who are in your inner circle. (This is also referred to as igniting a ‘smear campaign’). At first, this technique would seem counterproductive – wouldn’t talking bad about you cause you to push away even further? It could, but it could also draw you back because you desperately want this to stop or are gaslighted into thinking what the narcissist is saying is true. You might also just be downright angry about the situation and begin engaging in conversations about this with the narcissist, who will get supply from you regardless of whether the attention is good or bad.
In other words, this is a way to at least regain your attention, even if that attention is negative in nature. The narcissist knows that you will ignore anything else they say (if you have moved on from them) but talking badly about you and dragging your name through the mud is something that you are unlikely to ignore completely.
#2 – Gifts and Compliments. The narcissist might also return to the same over-the-top displays of love and affection they made in the beginning of the relationship in an effort to regain attention and turn the tide. After all, it worked once before, right? This tends to be a more effective tactic when the victim is already dealing with relatively low self-esteem. Someone with feelings of low self-worth may be more likely to reengage in a harmful relationship when so much affection is being shown. Often, these signs of affection will intentionally be offered in public, as to impress friends and family and leave those around you thinking that the relationship is healthier than it is. It’s also more difficult to turn down this type of gesture when others are watching.
#3 – A Pretend Emergency. Another way to regain your attention is to pretend that there is some pressing emergency or issue that demands your attention. It’s easy enough for a narcissist to create this kind of situation simply by telling you that they are dealing with suicidal thoughts and can’t deal with losing the relationship with you or by indicating a loved one is on their death bed, and they can’t afford to lose you too. Empathy may easily kick in, making you feel like you don’t have another option. You may feel if you didn’t return and something did happen, it would be your fault.
Alternatively, narcissists might point to family issues as the reason for their problems. With so much family drama going on, they will say, your support is essential at this time. Again, the pressure is put back on you to stick around and act as a stabilizing force during what they say is a challenging period of time. More likely, however, is the reality that they are using this created crisis as a way to earn your pity and make it more likely you’ll stay.
#4 – Ignoring the Past. If you have gone through difficult relationship struggles with a narcissist, you may be scarred from those events, and you might not want to move forward. Another way for that person to “hoover” you back into the relationship is just to pretend like nothing happened and that everything is just fine. They will simply come back into your life and try to pick up where they left off before the issues arose. If you ask them about what happened, they’ll either pretend not to remember, or downplay the issues and suggest that you are making them into a bigger deal than they really are. This form of gaslighting can trick many people into reentering the toxic bond.
#5 – Suspect Apologies. It’s often a good start toward repairing a broken relationship by apologizing for what you have done. When those apologies come from a narcissist, however, it’s more likely that they’ll be subtly blaming you while pretending to apologize at the same time. For example, they’ll say something along the lines of “I’m sorry that you misunderstood what I was trying to say.” That kind of “apology” seems condition and is really just blaming you for the situation while trying to hide behind the words “I’m sorry.”
The decision of whether or not you are going to stay in a relationship should be yours, and yours alone. It should not be up to another person if you are going to decide to stay or go, and the fact that they are using these tactics indicates that something is wrong with the dynamics in the first place. It can be very difficult to cut ties from a narcissist and it may take several attempts to leave before it actually happens. It’s important to stay strong and solid in your perspective of what’s occurred, and to always follow your gut.
Break the silence, break the cycle.