By: Sara E. Teller
It’s never easy to see someone close to you dealing with a difficult, unhealthy relationship. You want to do what you can to support that person, but you also don’t want to encourage them to stay in a situation that you feel is going to be detrimental in the long run.
Before you talk to this person in your life about your concerns over their relationship, it’s good to watch for signs that they may be involved with a narcissist. By simply observing how their relationship is developing and what patterns are emerging, you will have more concrete evidence should you decide to bring up this topic with your friend or family member.
The five signs below may be easy to spot if your loved one is dating a narcissist.
#1 – Their partner does all of the talking.
When you hang out with your loved one and their partner, does their partner dominate the conversation? It’s common for narcissists to do almost all of the talking in social settings, in an attempt to draw as much attention and praise from others as possible. This tends to be the case especially when their significant other’s close friends and relatives are around. They are desperate to convey perfection in the relationship, and thus, must remain in control. This may be coupled with having to pay for everything anytime you’re around – again, this is just another way of supposedly demonstrating how giving, loving and responsible they are…to the extreme.
Not only will this individual be doing a lot of talking, but most likely they will be talking about themselves the whole time. Telling stories about how great they are or what they can do better than others is a classic giveaway that you are dealing with narcissism. Of course, it’s fine for anyone to tell a story or two from time to time about what they’ve done well in life, but it’s a pattern of this kind of conversation that might point to a bigger issue being at play.
#2 – A cold feeling.
Always trust your gut. Empathy is a common human trait. When someone lacks basic empathy, that behavior tends to stand out as having a cold or uncaring manner. This is another possible sign of narcissism. If you notice things this person does which seem to be out of line with how most people would react to a given situation (particularly when it involves the emotions of others), you might want to address it with your friend to see if that is a common response from their partner.
#3 – No other friends.
This is an interesting point to monitor. Does the person you suspect may be narcissistic have any other friends that they spend time with outside of the individual they are dating? What about their family life – do they maintain quality relationships with relatives? A complete lack of good relationships could point to a major problem with their personality.
If this person hasn’t been able to maintain any ongoing relationships, they might not have the capacity to do so, including the ability to put others first and be considerate of others’ feelings. You don’t want to automatically discount someone just because they don’t happen to have other friends – there are other possible explanations for that, of course – but it is a possible red flag and something to think about.
Along the same lines, it’s important to monitor whether your friend of family member is becoming gradually more and more isolated. If they stop returning your calls or texts or are “always too busy” to hang out all of a sudden, these could be red flags.
#4 – Degrading their partner.
One of the more obvious signs that your friend is dating a narcissist is when you them consistently being degraded or belittled in front of others. For example, if they are regularly being blamed for everything that goes wrong, or if their accomplishments are cut down and criticized as not being important, there is something going on within the relationship that needs to be addressed. In a healthy relationship, partners celebrate each other and are proud when the other reaches a milestone or achieves something they’ve been working toward. If that isn’t happening, narcissism may be to blame.
#5 – Going overboard.
There is a technique common among narcissists known as “love bombing”. This is a tricky tactic that a narcissist will use to win favor with a partner or potential partner (and, by default, their partner’s close circle) in which they go overboard with signs of affection and compliments as a way of earning some affection in return.
This often starts out nice and it can feel good for the person on the receiving end, but that person may quickly feel uncomfortable with all of the attention and just how frequent and dramatic it has become. At some point, the love bombing will stop looking like a sign of a healthy relationship and start feeling a little creepy or manipulative. It might be easier for you to see this from the outside than it will be for your friend to see it from within the relationship. Grandiose displays of affection including daily flower arrangements, expensive jewelry very early on in the relationship or a brand-new car after a month may be just some of the ways a narcissist love bombs their victim. If it doesn’t seem “normal,” it probably isn’t.
Being a good friend means sometimes having to say things that the other person doesn’t want to hear. That might be what happens in this case, when you feel like you have to confront your loved one about the concerning behavior of their partner. Should you choose to do so, always exercise caution and never voice your concerns in front of the narcissist. And, while it’s sad to say, it’s best not to get your hopes up. Those entangled in this sadistic game with a narcissist often don’t see the signs (or don’t want to see them) until it’s too late. Above all, protect yourself, and distance yourself from this toxic person as much as possible.