The pattern of asserting and withholding what a victim desires is a significant part of the narcissist’s sadistic game. Narcissists are especially adept at learning what makes their victims tick early on in order to use these things against them as a partnership progresses. They do so by first, and very early on, establishing trust. When a victim trusts the narc, they will confide in him. The narc takes mental notes of weak spots to keep handy when gaslighting. Identification of the victim’s love language is a key piece of information they will keep in their repertoire during the devalue stage when attempting to assert control.
It is common for victims to feel sorry for their narcissistic partner, too, especially when they learn this innocent child was subjected to the same standards and had to learn to defend himself against it. Many think it’s no wonder why a narcissist is the way he is and still many more believe they will be the one to change this.
It is important to understand you cannot change a narcissist. Just the same as the narcissist couldn’t change who raised him and so on and so forth, the deep-seated personality traits instilled in him cannot be changed. This is why the narc learned to adapt and developed his own narcissism in the process. He realized he could not change his environment, so he felt he had to change himself.
Entering into a partnership with a narcissist essentially equates to leaving a significant piece of self at the door. Victims give up this sense of self in order to develop a new, toxic identity just the same as the narc did all those years ago. And part of this is a willingness to accept your love language will remain unfulfilled. Only by severing ties with a narcissist and going entirely no contact will you be able to reunite with that essential piece and rebuild through sustainable healing.
If something simply “feels off” in your relationship and it’s hard to put a finger on it, look into the five love languages Dr. Chapman outlines and determine which suits you best. Then ask yourself if your partner is fulfilling this. Taking that one step further, is your partner purposely sabotaging it? If you can answer ‘yes’ to these questions, you may in a relationship with a narcissist.