By: Sara E. Teller
It is a significant challenge to find yourself in a relationship with a narcissist. As difficult as it is to be an adult in a relationship with a person who acts in this way, it can be even harder if there are children involved. The children of a narcissist might deal with some specific challenges that are going to take time and effort to overcome as a result of toxic modeling.
This article offers a big-picture overview of how narcissism impacts children, and what the other adults in those children’s lives can do to help support them as they work through any emotional damage that has been experienced. This, of course, is not a comprehensive overview of all of the problems that might arise.
Why It Matters
Understanding why it’s important to consider the experiences of children who grew up with one or more narcissistic parents comes down to thinking about the major role that all parents and guardians play in the lives of their children. Simply put, those who are responsible for raising children – whether they be biological parents or otherwise – are going to have a massive influence on the emotional development of those young people.
When things go well and the parents demonstrate positive attributes like empathy, patience, understanding, and love, the child thrives. Parents help the child through difficult times, establish firm but fair boundaries, and are able to support the needs of the child will ensure their children mature as they should. This is the experience that many children have while growing up, and they are able to reach emotional maturity and stable adulthood when the time comes.
For children with narcissistic parents, however, the story is different. In most ways, narcissism and parenting are complete opposites. Parenting is all about being selfless and more concerned about someone else rather than yourself. That isn’t what narcissists do. It shouldn’t be a surprise, then, that many people who grew up with narcissistic parents later have to deal with emotional damage as a result of the environment in which they were raised.
Common Traits
Although all people are different and you can never assume how a person is going to be formed by a given environment, there are some common traits that tend to develop when narcissistic parents are left in charge. The children of those parents often wind up showing some of the traits listed below –
- Working hard to please others. Having grown up in a setting where they were always trying to please their parents – and often falling short, sadly – these individuals are likely to carry the same behaviors into adult life. When trying to form relationships as an adult, these people may struggle to stand up for themselves and might just give in to whatever the other party wants to get out of the situation.
- Low self-esteem. Along the same lines, low self-esteem is a common trait in this situation. Rather than being supported and built up, as would be the case for most kids, these young people are regularly told they aren’t good enough and may be blamed for many problems in life.
- Drug problems. Unfortunately, it is not uncommon for adults who deal with these issues in childhood to wind up with drug problems and other addiction issues. People typically turn to drugs or alcohol to deal with emotional issues that they don’t want to confront day after day, and that’s what’s happening here. Instead of working through the emotional baggage that they have been left with by their parents, some will turn to substance abuse as a way to get away from it all.
- Self-harm. When told over and over again that they aren’t allowed to openly express their emotions, children learn to suppress these instead. This creates a feeling of numbness that is difficult to overcome. One way, sadly, that many youths learn to “feel” is by turning to self-harm. This also becomes a way for the brain to get the surge of dopamine it otherwise lacks. Self-harm can be a way, too, for the child of a narcissist to punish themselves for “being bad” or “worthless.” This is how they’ve been made to feel by their parent. Obviously, this is not a point that we wish anyone to reach, and hopefully, the affected individual will be able to find help before their emotional issues reach this level of severity.
An Extension of Self
In most cases, the narcissistic parent will view their child not as an individual person, but rather, as an extension of themselves. This can lead to some particularly troublesome outcomes. For instance, if the child isn’t achieving at the level that the parent would like to see – such as getting good grades or performing well in a sport – that parent may take it as a personal failure. The child will then be treated as a failure or disappointment, which is obviously going to have some negative consequences. It will be difficult for the child to develop properly when there is a sense that the parent or parents only want to live out their existence through the child.
Children should always be supported emotionally, and that’s particularly important when those kids have been forced to deal with the behaviors of a narcissist in their lives. Fortunately, through the help of loving adults and professional therapists and counselors, children can learn to thrive in spite of narcissistic abuse. It’s just a shame that they have to work that much harder for happiness.