Knowledge of an underlying issue and acceptance of it is generally the first step toward healing. Consider drug and alcohol abuse. One must accept the presence of abuse in order to take the necessary steps to sober up and heal. This is the same for abuse in any other form, including emotional, mental and physical. Those who are emotionally abused generally do not seek counsel, because they are first unaware, then later not accepting, of the presence of abuse. Often, by the time they’ve acknowledged the issue, they are “in too deep” to easily escape.
Consider the downward spiral of alcoholism. At first, one believes she or he can have a few drinks socially. However, those who are genetically predisposed to garner traits of addictive behavior receive the substance differently than those without this predisposition. The alcohol essentially affects an individual with an addictive personality differently. Soon, more and more of the drug is desired until the brain chemistry is actually altered and the individual physically needs alcohol to function. Interestingly, the intake of alcohol triggers the same pleasure pathways as does food or sex, just at a much higher level.
Now, consider the codependent who is involved in a narcissistic relationship. At first, the individual takes pleasure in the seemingly idealistic relationship. The spouse is charismatic and charming, and the codependent is quickly drawn to this person at every level. Then, the true persona starts to rear its ugly head, much like the negative consequences of drinking too much. The codependent is devalued, and this doesn’t feel good. But, she refuses to acknowledge there is an issue, at least at first. In fact, after a while, ingesting more and more of the narcissist’s unhealthy personality traits allows the codependent to take on a new perspective of the relationship, a new standard she accepts and may actually learn to like. This is not unlike the alcoholic who notes there was an undesirable consequence to his actions and realizes he needs to ingest more and more to have the same euphoric effect, but ultimately believes this is just “too be expected” and quickly adjusts to the new standard.
More time passes, and close friends and family members begin to notice changes in their loved one’s behavior. She is more reclusive, withdrawn, despondent and unwilling to participate in social functions. They may ask why there is a change, but they will assume it’s the victim’s own doing, that she is responsible for this new personality even if they don’t understand why. And, the narcissist will confirm their assumptions, stating he’s not so sure either, but certainly, he cannot be the cause.
As the victim gets deeper and deeper into the narcissistic relationship, she will ultimately completely lose her prior sense of self. When she eventually pinpoints the cause of her emotional distress, she will often lose all hope of escaping and regaining happiness. It is extremely difficult for a victim of narcissistic abuse to actually understand what has happened, and even more difficult, if not impossible, for her to leave on her own if she does come to this realization. Ironically, she will often be all alone by the time she makes this connection. The narcissistic partner will ensure she is secluded. So, like an addict suffering in silence, she will be made to feel helpless without the support and understanding of others.
If an individual is still strong enough to develop a well-thought-out plan of escape on her own and leave her captor relatively unscathed, she must take a serious look inward. If the reasons behind why she chose not only to enter into an abusive relationship, but stay in it, and perhaps even enjoy it for some time, aren’t properly addressed, the cycle will continue. And, just as with alcoholism or drug abuse, very few people can return to occasional use of narcissistic fulfillment once they’ve become addicted. Codependents cannot risk sharing an intimate space with a narcissist ever again.
Acknowledging abuse and becoming willing to change is the first step toward recovering. Then, taking the time needed to truly understand oneself – thought processes, reasons for certain reactions to particular situations…the good, the bad and the ugly, as they say – is necessary in order to heal. For, we must love ourselves before we can ever truly love another person. Understand this, and understand a narcissist never will.