These are two traits that also go hand-in-hand in narcissism. The narcissist loves to mask deep-seated shame by projecting false confidence and making others believe they are extremely clever. In a way, there is some validity to the cleverness. Narcissists are clever when it comes to manipulating and gaining control other others. They may be far less adept in many other areas of life, so they use these traits to counterbalance areas in which they feel less competent.
Narcissists don’t have a lot of confidence – really. Not at a deep level. But they know how to act like they do. This intense assertion of confidence is a way to mask the internal shame that festers inside. So, it usually seems to others that the narcissist is extremely self-assured, and this can be captivating. In fact, it’s downright arrogance, but often arrogance is mistaken for confidence the first time someone encounters it. After a while, it’s exhausting. This trait is impossible to contain when the narc is in public; he will likely portray a very different person behind closed doors. So, those in the narc’s intimate space have insider info that make the false confidence annoying and even wearing. They see how long it takes the narc to get ready before going out, how often they’re looking into the mirror or how much effort it takes to prepare for a speech. The conflicted self tends to ‘out’ the narc to those closest to him. The paradox of arrogance and shame is evident behind closed doors, and this is where cracks tend to surface.
Narcs are particular clever when it comes to gaslighting others. That charm that was turned all the way up in the love bombing stage was very purposeful. It allowed the narc to get intimate information to use against the victim when he begins to assert control. In fact, everything a narcissist does to win over another person and keep them in their clutches is purposeful. There is intentionality behind everything that makes up the false façade others see. Narcissists love to outwit everyone else, and when they feel they’ve done so successfully, they gain narcissistic supply. The tougher they’ve had to work for the win, the more gratification and supply they get. Every interaction is a chance for the narcissist to “win.” It’s a battle of the wits, and to them, connection is always a game.
Over time, the confidence begins to look more like arrogance and cracks begin to surface. Victims may get brave enough to call the narc out on the discrepancies in their stories or between their words and actions. And this infuriates the narc, to the point that it could incite narcissistic rage. The narc will usually use gaslighting and underhanded passive-aggressive tactics which allow him to “win” the war while keeping the victim under his thumb. But, when rage surfaces, the mask is officially off.
This is the vicious cycle of a relationship with a narc, and the cycle of abuse can be extremely difficult to break. Understanding the ins and out of the narcissistic personality and the stages of the cycle, however, can empowered a victim to leave.
Knowledge is power. Break the silence, break the cycle.