Narcissists will always be extremely stealthy by nature. If you leave one, don’t assume he or she has forgotten all about the turmoil that you went through and has moved on, no big deal, even if it appears this is the case. The narcissist’s game doesn’t end just because the relationship did. It is never-ending.
As you try to move on in the aftermath of abuse, try to regain your sense of self and rebuild your life, remember you can never let your guard down. The narcissist is always watching. It sounds creepy, because it is. And, it’s better to have your guard up then to let it down, assuming this person no longer cares about you and what you do.
You Were A Valued Possession
I hate having to say the narcissist still has control over you in this way. But, knowledge is power and it’s important to be aware. Once you’ve entered into a relationship with a sociopath, the sociopath doesn’t suddenly become ‘unsociopathic’ when you leave. Don’t get me wrong. He or she will do everything possible to make you believe this – make you feel as if you were the sole cause for all of the emotional chaos in your relationship and now that you’re gone, everything is wonderful.
The truth is, the narcissist has always viewed you as a possession. You were chosen for some specific feature, trait or skill and the narcissist considered you a trophy like everything else that was accumulated in his or her quest for fame, fortune, wealth, and all the finer things. When you leave, narcissists believe you are still rightfully theirs. You always will be.
Taking Back Your Independence
So, how can you “get over” the trauma you experienced? The sobering truth is that you don’t – at least entirely. But, there are some things you can do proactively to restore a sense of peace. Rediscover past passions and go after goals you could have never achieved had you stayed. Journal, meditate and pray. Seek counseling. Spend time with supportive friends and family members doing the things that make you happy, no matter how simple they are. If you always enjoyed going out to dinner with your friends, but felt like you couldn’t once you were trapped, go and go often.
One of the most helpful things you can do when healing from narcissistic abuse is voice what has happened to you at each stage in your recovery. At first, you may feel weak and deficient. This is normal. Your abuser made sure this was ingrained in you. But, as time passes and you actively pursue adventures and activities that make you you, you will realize this was no more than a sadistic tactic to keep you trapped.
You really are worth it. You always were. This is why the narcissist chose you to begin with. You had what this person wanted but felt he or she could never have without you. You fulfilled something in this person’s life that was lacking. Find this, own it and realize it’s only part of what makes you great. It will continue to be a part of you forever, long after you’ve broken free from the chains. It never belonged to your abuser, just as the rest of you never did. You are unique and independently enough.
The fact that narcissists linger, or hoover, long after break-ups only solidifies the fact that they feel incomplete and lost on their own. You cannot control this. But, you can control the person you are and how you react. You have full control over you and your emotions. No one can ever make you feel anything – positive or negative – without your permission. Your emotions are yours. Never allow the narcissist to keep you feeling trapped, depleted, deficient, or otherwise unworthy. Remember they can only make you feel this way if you allow it. Love you first, always.
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