Another red flag that you may be in a relationship with a pathological narcissist is that you just don’t feel heard or seen. In normal relationships, partners effortlessly provide each other with attention, affection and genuine support. They show their feelings for each other through their actions (not just words) and do it because they want to. To a narcissist, though, this is just too much work. And that’s precisely why the ‘love bombing’ stage doesn’t last. The same can be said of situations in which the victim becomes ill and can’t present to the world that perfectionism a narcissist relies on to maintain the false façade. Often, victims who become chronically ill are thrown aside in favor of new supply. The narcissist is ashamed and forced to face his or her internal shame, which is all too unbearable.
In the beginning, you’ll be idealized by the narc. Love bombing occurs in the beginning stages of a relationship and everything will appear to be perfect. You will likely be very smitten by this new person who seems to be everything you’ve ever dreamed of. Because of this, it is easy to dismiss red flags, since as excessive clinginess and overprotective traits.
Narcissists have an uncanny ability to pick up on cues from you regarding what you’re looking for in a partnership, using these to morph into your perfect match. Love bombing basically means they will study you, determine what’s most important to you, and be all of these things. Usually, they do so to the extreme. If you make mention of feeling suffocated, the narc will likely give you a false sob story about not having a healthy sense of self-confidence because of past failed relationships or childhood abandonment issues he continues to harbor. This is designed for you to take pity on him and decide to support him rather than leave.
It’s important to understand that regardless of how long the love bombing stage lasts (which will be as long as it takes to trap you), it exists only to ensure you fully commit to the relationship and cannot easily leave. Toxic relationships with narcs are so textbook they always following three distinct and progressive stages – idealize (love bombing), devalue and discard. Once the narc believes he has you completely trapped, he will begin to devalue you. This can come out of nowhere and is a form of gaslighting meant to validate your perceived dependency and ensure he has you under his thumb.
Since loving bombing takes a ton of work (it involves a ‘wow factor’ that doesn’t often happen even in healthy relationships), it simply cannot last. It’s way too much of an effort for the narcissist who will be eager to let his guard down and expose his true self. The relationship then shifts to devaluing, which the narc does best, and gaslighting will pick up exponentially. The sudden letdown causes immediate deflation and confusion on the part of the victim, and she begins to feel unnoticed. It’s common to get stuck in your head, trying to determine where things went wrong and why the narcissist no longer wants anything to do with you.
The devalue and discard stages are inevitable. If you feel you’re no longer valued by your partner – completely unseen, even – it’s time to reconsider whether the partnership is worth your emotional investment.