Sara E. Teller
The cruel twist that comes along with narcissistic abuse is the way victims often wind up blaming themselves for what has happened. If they were able to have a more objective view of the situation, these people would likely see clearly that they aren’t at fault – but it’s harder to gain that perspective when it is taking place in your own life.
It’s important to understand you aren’t to blame for the actions of the narcissist(s) in your life. Let’s take a closer look at the dynamics of gaslighting in order to prove this. Dissecting just how insidious this manipulative tactic truly is can help because it is gaslighting that often makes victims of narcissistic abuse believe they are at fault for the negative things that are happening.
What is Gaslighting?
To get started, we need a clear definition of what gaslighting is and how it is used by a narcissist. In the common, modern use of the word, gaslighting means someone is trying to distort reality to get another to see things in a way that serves their purpose.
From a distance, it would seem easy to discount the impact of gaslighting, as it can be hard to imagine why anyone would go along with what they are being told by the narcissist despite evidence to the contrary. However, when inside a relationship like this, it can become very difficult to sort out fact from fiction, and the victim is often trapped in a position where they feel like it is necessary to go along with what they are being told – so much so, over time, this become second nature.
Consider this example…
An example might help to make this concept clearer. Imagine a scenario where a couple is out to dinner with friends. During the dinner, the narcissistic abuser is critical of their partner, and repeatedly belittles things they are saying to others in the group. Afterwards, the victim confronts the narcissist about this behavior.
This is when the gaslighting begins. The narcissist will claim that this simply did not happen, and that they didn’t say anything negative at all. They may say something like “you are crazy” or “you’re being overly sensitive,” and go to great lengths to convince the victim that they are entirely in the wrong. The gaslighting may even go so far as to bring in other people from the dinner in an attempt to support the narcissist’s side of the story.
The goal here is to cut down the victim, leave them questioning their own thoughts and judgments, and get them to simply give in to what the narcissist claims something is true. Far from an isolated incident, gaslighting tends to be a pattern of behavior that can create an unhealthy, harmful relationship.
It Can Take a Toll
It would be a mistake to write off gaslighting as just a disagreement or argument between a couple. It’s more than that, and it can have very serious consequences if it goes on for a period of months or years. Some of the possible outcomes for the victim of persistent gaslighting can include the following –
- Depression. Consistently being told that you are wrong, and you don’t know what you are talking about is sure to take a toll. The victim in this case might become depressed about the reality of their situation and may not know where to turn for help. This is particularly true for people who don’t have a strong support system and would be largely alone if they left the relationship. Without anywhere to turn, they stay with the narcissist and become depressed about this reality.
- Anxiety. This kind of behavior can also make a person very anxious because they are on edge about what the next thing will be that triggers more arguments and accusations. Unlike in a supportive relationship where partners turn to each other for help during tough times, this kind of abusive relationship always feels like a battle or a competition. From the victim’s perspective, this is not only going to cause anxiety, but it will also be exhausting emotionally.
- Low Self-esteem. Also, someone who is facing gaslighting behavior from a partner may simply start to feel bad about themselves and doubt their own social and emotional intelligence. They may start to think that their partner is right, and they have been reading things all wrong throughout the relationship (and even before it started, in other situations in their lives). That’s not reality, of course, but gaslighting can have a powerful effect when it is allowed to go on long enough.
Nothing is going to be accomplished or improved by blaming yourself in the aftermath of narcissistic abuse. It wasn’t your fault and thinking that it was your fault is not only incorrect, but it’s also harmful. You deserve to move forward with optimism, and that starts by setting aside any notion that you did something wrong.
Break the silence, break the cycle.