By: SaraE. Teller
Many survivors of narcissistic abuse report continuing to be plagued by uncomfortable, and often debilitating, symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) long after the fact. After all, it is only to be expected that the abuse endured cannot be soon forgotten. Even after the physical wounds have healed, there is much internal work to do. If you’ve left your narcissistic partner and are wondering how you can possibly shake feelings of grief and loss, sadness, depression, guilt, fear and other icky emotions, you’ve come to the right place.
As we’ve covered before, validation is key. These feelings are not uncommon. In fact, just the same as any other loss, losing a toxic partnership is often met with the five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and, finally, acceptance. When you first leave, you likely won’t feel all that great. You still have to work through lingering denial that you made the right choice, that your partner really was toxic, and that the relationship is finally over and done with.
Let’s focus on that last point. Before you had the courage to hit the road, you probably played out how this would look over and over again in your mind. You planned thoroughly, knowing you couldn’t just up and leave. You likely gathered all of the information you’d need, packed your bags, and confided in those trustworthy enough to help you carry out your plan. In other words, your escape was premeditated, and now that it has actually happened, you may still be in denial that it actually happened. Make sense?
Survivors tend to continue to feel trapped by their ex-partners after they’ve successfully started a brand-new life. This is because narcissists are masters of maintaining control. They gaslight, belittle and physical trap their victims. In the devalue stage, it seems like there is no way out. So, if you’ve found a way to escape, it can be difficult to accept that this new life is yours for the taking. You’ve lived under the thumb of your abuser for so long that this existence became almost comforting (in a sadistic way, of course). You have to work through this denial to begin to reconnect with your own identity and take back your life.
Once you’re able to get the ball rolling, there are still three other stages of grief that you’ll likely experience before finally accepting that you can begin anew and never look back. So, it’s important to allow yourself some time to validate each stage as it comes. If you try to suppress these feelings or move into acceptance too quickly, you’re bound to be reeled back into discomfort the second something triggering happens. Just as it took the narcissist time to ensure you were totally dependent, it will take time to regain your independence.
If you allow yourself to truly feel and validate these feelings, eventually you’ll be able to readily appreciate just how far you’ve come. If you need help moving through the stages of grief, it’s best to work with a professional – and especially one who is familiar with narcissistic personally disorder and PTSD. Don’t be afraid to reach out. The sooner you can heal, the sooner you can break free from the clutches of abuse once and for all.
Break the silence, break the cycle.