Hope and Fear: A Delicate Dance Between Healthy and Toxic Amid Abuse

Two very powerful concepts that tend to be at the epicenter of trauma-bonding, particularly in an abusive bond, are hope and fear.  In order to delve deeper into all the reasons why both concepts reside within trauma and why one must come to know the reasons for this in order to escape, we have to first do a little dissecting.

Hope is a derived from a desire for something to come to fruition.  It is often infused into our daily lives – whether it’s tied to a super-exciting about-to-happen something or it’s a component of our values system that drives us to complete goals we’ve set for ourselves.  Hope generally has a positive connotation, of course, and is commonly associated with happiness and fulfillment.

Then comes fear.  We fear, fear.  We try to avoid it at all costs.  And yet, it is an integral part of the human experience.  It is inherent and primal – part of the natural fight or flight response.  The body is fearful when something is about to happen that could harm us or we perceive to be harmful.  It’s a self-defense mechanism, and thus, it’s healthy to feel it.

We avoid feeling fear, though, largely because it often presents in not-so-pleasant ways.  We can become anxious, irritable, or angry, sad, depressed, or despondent.  We can exhibit emotions towards others we’re not proud of and it can make us feel helpless.

Now, let’s dig a bit deeper.  Our fear response can sometimes be very disproportionate to whatever triggered it, whether we realize this when the response is happening or not.  And, we generally do not realize it when we’re in the middle of expressing fear.  Our adrenaline kicks in naturally, clouds our thinking, and we typically go immediately into survival mode, expressing it in very primal ways.  The mind and body try to remedy the discomfort via very defensive means until we can get through it.

When we experience overwhelming fear over relatively miniscule things, we often say that we’re suffering from an anxiety disorder.  Again, this anxiety can present as irritability, anger, excessive mood swings, or an inability to cope.  It is important to be able to identify when our fear response is disproportionate to what triggered it so we can try to mitigate this disconnect and develop coping mechanisms that will help us be able to harness the energy evoked and use it in positive ways in the future.

Hope is also not always healthy.  Hope can be instilled in victims of abuse by their abusers as a means to maintain control without a person even realizing it.  Once this happens, a victim remains hopeful that the relationship will change and someday it will be everything they could ever have ask for.  So, this person becomes hopeful they’ll one day be able to be everything the abuser wants.  If the victim just does x, the hope is for y to happen.  There are many ways in which hope can be toxic amid trauma.

With the help of hope and fear, abuse victims can trauma-bond with their captors, creating a partnership based on an inherent need to maintain this bond no matter how unhealthy it may be.  As the cycle of abuse persists – moving from building tension, to an incident of abuse, to reconciliation, to a sense of calm, over and over again – toxic hope and fear also persist.  The very nature of this cyclical pattern promotes this.  Tension = fear; abuse = fear; reconciliation = hope; calm = hope.  Again and again, the partnership moves from fear to hope and loops back around. 

So, you can see how these words can easily take on different connotations when it comes a relationship that is toxic, an illustration of how nothing in an abusive situation should be taken at face value.  Abuse consists of a pattern of manipulation, lies, emotional turmoil, hiding behaviors, and a multitude of other traumatic factors that makes it a very complex issue for both parties involved.  Thus, it is extremely difficult to break this bond when it’s been in place for a long period of time.  In fact, over time, the bond becomes more and more difficult to sever because the victim becomes more and more willing to lose his- or herself to the abuser and accepts a life of total submission.

Of course, this can happen without the conscious effort of the victim.  Just as no one aspires to one day become a drug addict and lose everything, no one aspires to become a submissive abuse victim.  This is something that naturally occurs when toxic behavior persists for far too long.  Just as the fight or flight response is an inherent humanistic trait, so is a need for harmony and inner peace.  In an abusive environment, the only way to try to obtain this (despite how fleeting) is for the victim to submit.  In this way, the (toxic) hope is that all confrontations will cease.  And, this is a hope that persists despite its impossibility to achieve.  Out of pure desperation, a victim will continue to seek out an ever-elusive feeling of peace.

Trauma-bonding creates Stockholm Syndrome.  This is when abuse victims develop an alliance with their captors as a survival mechanism.  Unfortunately, when this occurs it signals that a victim has given up the fight.  It is now more important to do anything and everything possible to continue reaching for that sense of peace no matter how unreachable it is than continually to stand one’s ground and be hurt.

When this occurs, a feeling of entrapment can become all-consuming and a victim may feel as if there is no way out.  Sometimes when this sense of isolation lingers long enough, severe depression can set in, and then there is a sudden, profound loss of hope.  Instead of teetering between hope and fear, at this point a victim can become suicidal, feeling as if this is the only to escape.  The mind has gone from experiencing extreme fear coupled with periods of hope, to total submission in a desperate effort to obtain a sense of security, to complete compliancy over what’s occurring, and this is a dangerous place to be.

Unfortunately, at this point if the victim is no longer determined to either bond or to leave, the outcome can be devastating.  Without an active support system, one must rely on their own inherent and learned coping mechanisms and ability to persevere.  And, because abuse victims are gaslighted into mistrusting themselves, it is common to feel like self-reliance is futile. 

If a victim makes is out of an abusive relationship, it is easy to see why post-traumatic stress disorder is a diagnosis they all too often continue to live with.  These individuals have been through hell and back.  They have felt extreme emotions repeatedly over an extended period of time.  At some point, this (naturally) became unsustainable and they mentally and emotionally shut down, giving up the fight.  If they were lucky enough to experience some sort of divine intervention – or have someone who cares step in and refuse to watch them self-destruct and perish in misery – and escape, the effects of trauma are bound to linger.

Abuse victims who’ve recently released themselves from toxic trauma-bonding are especially fragile.  They often have a multitude of triggers that need to be overcome and experience frequent flashbacks.  Living for an extended period of time in fight or flight produces hypervigilance which can continue well beyond the point of escape and include insomnia, an elevated startle response, panic attacks, and paranoia.  These symptoms parallel those experienced by war veterans returning from service because the fight or flight response is instinctual, and, thus, the same regardless of what has triggered it.

The mind, body, and soul must be given time and attention in the post-trauma state to heal.  And, this is not a one and done process, but rather a lifelong journey.  Just as the addict enters sobriety and is in sobriety forever, not stating that they’ve ‘recovered,’ only that they’re ‘in recovery,’ the same goes for trauma victims.  If we adopt the mindset that we are ‘in recovery’ from the trauma experienced and take the time to rediscover ourselves and rebuild, life can be beautiful in the aftermath.  But it is important never to downplay what has happened, never to let anyone else downplay it, to accept it for what it is, and to make a commitment to move forward in spite of past toxicity.

Trauma can be an acknowledged and accepted piece of yourself without defining who you are.  This is an important distinction to make.  And, learning to embrace healthy fear and hope again in the aftermath is essential.  Taking back control and finally feeling genuine inner peace means reestablishing a healthy self-concept and not allowing anyone else take this from you. 

Love yourself first to begin your sustainable healing journey.