Taking a closer look at each of the five love languages and discovering how the narcissist asserts his own to ensure a partner is never fulfilled will bring to light the depth of toxicity that persists in a narcissistic partnership. So, let’s break them down one by one:
Words of affirmation. Individuals who identify with this love language crave hearing from those they engage with that they’re doing a good job or are, in other words, a good person. Since a narcissist only knows how to belittle an individual into submission, this way of expressing and receiving love simply will never happen. Instead, the narcissist will reserve affirmations for when the victim does something to fulfill his needs. This conditioning will ensure his needs are always fulfilled because he knows the victim longs to hear these things.
Quality time. There is no such thing as genuine quality time spent in a narcissistic partnership. Any time spent with the narc is fair game for an attempt to gain and maintain control. The narcissist lives in a constant state of defense, which again was learned very early in life. When he was in the presence of others as a child, he learned to keep his guard up and try to “win” at all costs. Thus, every interaction now is seen as a chance to “win.” It’s an opportunity to manipulate a victim to reaffirm his dominance. This leads to immense confusion on the part of the partnership who will inevitably try again and again to make time spent together feel good. Time and again, this expectation will be obliterated.
Receiving gifts. The narcissist knows how to reserve fulfilling your love language for times when he can be sure he is fulfilling his. Narcs tend to only give gifts during times when they feel their dominance is threatened. Did you see through something the narc did and call him out? You may receive a gift with an apology if your partner knows this will reset the playing field. By the same token, if you feel joy in giving to others, your gifts to a narcissist will never be appreciated. He will always have something negative to say when receiving them.
Acts of service. In the narcissist’s mind, you are subservient to him – not the other way around. A narcissist loves twisting this love language to his benefit. He will gaslight a victim into guilt for wanting him to perform acts of service – so much so, the victim will continue to serve with an expectation that it’s something that just has to be done and live with internal shame for wishing for the narc to do the same. Only when it will help the narc maintain dominance will he randomly do something to serve and this will be so unexpected and so welcomed by the victim that the appreciation for it will linger and the narc will maintain control.
Physical touch. Narcissists love it when they come to understand this is their partner’s love language. It is the easiest thing for the narc to get away with withholding. Narcissists gaslight victims into believing physical expression of love is shameful. Everything a narc does tends to take place behind closed doors and, therefore, physical touch should be refrained from in public. By only expressing love in this way during intimate times, the narcissist makes the victim feel special. It’s all part of the game.
Breaking down the ways in which a narc uses a partner’s love language against them helps bring to light just how unfulfilling a narcissistic relationship truly is. Abusers love to withhold those things their victims desire as a means of control. By doing so, the narc receives supply associated with his own way of expressing “love.”