Let’s take a closer look at the development of the narcissistic love language. We all develop a significant portion of our personalities through the environment in which we are raised. While it’s true that our chemical makes up plays a part, through observation, we learn how to interact with others. We develop core values and moral standards and our own interpretation of right versus wrong. This is how the narcissist’s personality developed. Just the same as everyone else, it is how he learned to love and be loved.
If we stick with this theory, it is easy to see that the narcissist learned to manipulate and attempt to assert control because this was how he was raised. It was a way for him to cope with these patterns bestowed onto him and try to turn the tables. Through manipulation, the narcissist tried to assert himself to caregivers that tried to do the same to him. A narcissist’s upbringing became a battle of wits with the most manipulative in the home the dominant one.
This is a pattern that sticks. It doesn’t simply dissipate when the narcissist leaves their childhood home. It is a way of being. In your home, you may have observed how excited a parental figure was to receive gifts or when dinner was made by someone else every once in a while. You learned at an early age these things equate to happiness and, thus, developed your love language around them.
Now, imagine as two grown adults a narcissist meets someone who believes acts of service is the ultimate way to express love. Many naturally empathetic people possess this love language, and they work diligently to carry it out believing their partners will appreciate it as much as them. As egocentrism is part of human nature, we all believe our partners love as we do until we observe their patterns and learn otherwise. Empathetic partners may continually perform acts of service for their significant others, such as taking care of household chores, making sure the car makes it to the shop or the children make it to their doctor appointments, helping with a child’s homework and making sure dinner is on the table. They believe that doing these things will cause their partner to appreciate them and they in turn will feel appreciated and fulfilled.
However, a narcissist will observe these things and ensure there is a constant lack of acknowledgement. Doing so is a way to maintain control and fulfill his own needs. If a partner is taking care of everything the narcissist doesn’t want to do, he feels the only way to make sure this continues it by gaslighting the victim. At the end of the day, the empathetic partner suffers and the narcissist “wins,” gaining the supply he craves.
This is the toxic cycle of partnering with a narcissist. There will always be total unfulfillment. When it’s difficult to pinpoint exactly what’s “off” with a partnership, consider your love language and whether there’s evidence this cycle persists.