By: Sara E. Teller
Although there may be indicators earlier on in a narcissist’s life, narcissistic traits begin to surface most noticeably at or around the ages of 7 and 8. And it is now known that narcissism develops as a result of both biology and a child’s environment.
During this period of their lives, children begin to evaluate themselves according to how they perceive others. They do a lot of comparing of self against their external environment. If a child grows up in a loving and kind atmosphere with supportive parents and or caretakers who take an interest in what they do and in their daily life, the child might easily conclude that they are worthy.
However, when a child is brought up by parents who over-exaggerate their qualities by praising them only for the superficial things that they do, or they come from a home of neglect, where the child craves any type of attention at all, two things will happen. They will begin to feel as if they are superior to other children, and they will believe that they have to behave badly to engage with others. Thus, the development of clinical narcissism.
In the case of neglect, oftentimes this occurs because a child is being raised by a self-centered, narcissistic parent. Since self-centered guardians will be hyper-focused on getting their own needs met, the necessities of their children go unattended. This is why clinical narcissism is often intergenerational – the cycle repeats itself over and over again.
Caregivers have a significant impact on the attachment style of a child, and if they have a superficial relationship early on, one of the dysfunctional attachment styles will inevitably surface and the child will carry this with them throughout their lifetime. In the development of narcissism, a conflict self is instilled – they seek the praise from others while also believing they don’t need the praise of others because they are superior. Because the narcissist essentially doesn’t know who they are and what they want from others, they begin to live a life of strained relationships which they – and they alone – create. This leads to deep-seated shame and self-loathing that only make the behaviors worse.
Of course, narcissism is a spectrum condition and people can fall along somewhere between being completely devoid of narcissistic traits (which is not realistic) to malignant. Instead of referring to the former position in terms of narcissistic traits, we tend to say those individuals are “co-dependent,” completely lacking a sense of self if not for the benefiting another’s. On the other end of the spectrum, malignant narcissists carry attributes of extraverted self-importance despite their hatred of self.
When someone has narcissistic personality disorder, they will have an earnest need to be highly regarded, yet trust themselves to be better than others, and have no ability to feel compassion although they seek it. Confusing, right? It is even to the narcissist. This conflict sense of self causes them to exploit others to fulfill their own needs for power and control. At the end of the day, however, they’re constantly trying to feel worthy and never able to.
Frequently, a narcissist will likely have lived their childhood in a family where their feelings were totally disregarded while, at the same time, they were commended for their accomplishments. At the center of the development of clinical narcissism is always a profound disregard for a child’s feelings – a refusal to acknowledge and address who they really are. Because of this disconnect, the narcissist never knows who they really are. And those in their inner circle suffer as a result.
Break the silence, break the cycle.