By: Sara E. Teller
If you have been in a few relationships in your life, you already know that breakups are never easy. You don’t want to hurt the feelings of another person that you have cared about, and you don’t want to have your own feelings hurt, either.
While they might not be fun, most people are able to deal with breakups in a mature and respectful manner. The relationship simply isn’t working anymore, and it’s better for both parties to just move on. Unfortunately, a breakup involving a narcissist might not be such a reasonable experience. It can be hard to break up with a narcissist, even if you are sure that the relationship should be over. If this is a situation you find yourself in currently, the advice below may help.
Gather Your Thoughts
Preparing for a breakup with a toxic person should happen well before you start to talk to your partner about what you’ve decided to do. It’s a good idea to think things through carefully before ending a partnership, but it’s probably even more important when dealing with a narcissist. This is a person who is likely to use various underhanded tactics to try and discredit your feelings and encourage you to stay, so you need to be very sure of yourself from the start.
It might be a good idea to write down your feelings and contemplate why you want to end the relationship before any conversations about this even begin. What is it about how the relationship is going that causes you to want to move on? Be specific with your reasoning. This isn’t an entry that you are going to show the other person, but it’s a good way to get your thoughts out of your head and organized in a manner that helps you logically make sense of the situation. Later, while you are in the middle of the breakup conversation, you can mentally picture this sheet, so you are better able to stand firm in your convictions.
Prepare for a Tough Dialogue
It’s one thing to know why you want to end a relationship, but it’s another thing entirely to know how you are going to explain what you are feeling. Using the right words can make all the difference, as you don’t want to open up any loopholes for the other person to exploit your words and bring you back into an argument or debate about what has happened in the past.
If you have a trusted friend or family member available, you might consider having them help you decide what, exactly, to say, and how you are going to present your feelings. It can be hard to evaluate what you are saying when you are the one saying it – but a trusted friend can help you understand how things sound and what changes you might want to make to better explain your position.
Plan a Clean Break
Some people try to soften the blow of a breakup by offering to stay friends or keep in touch in the weeks and months ahead. Most likely, this is going to be a bad idea when breaking up with someone known to be a narcissist. If you leave the door open, that person is going to keep trying to come through the door – and the breakup may not last. If you are convicted in your desire to move on, you’ll want to make sure that the other person knows this is your intention, and you don’t want to remain in contact at all. That can be hard news to deliver, but it’s better to do it directly than have things linger into the future. This can be downright unsafe.
Consider Your Safety
You probably have a good sense of whether or not there is any chance that this breakup could turn into a violent or dangerous situation. If the person you are breaking up with has shown any tendency to use violence in the past, you will want to be very careful when planning your escape. Do it in a place where you can easily get away, and where there will be others around. Or, if you don’t feel comfortable with that, you may be able to do it over the phone or text, if necessary. Also, in the immediate aftermath of a breakup, plan to have a place to stay in advance if you don’t feel comfortable being in your own home.
One Step at a Time
If you would like to end your relationship but are worried about how things will go, focus on taking the process one step at a time and remain sure of yourself throughout. The same tactics that have been used in the relationship will likely be used again during the breakup, as the narcissist attempts to reel you back in, or says things to destroy your self-esteem.
Ending a relationship is never easy. However, ending one with a narcissistic can be very damaging and unsafe. It’s important to have a detailed plan of action in place before you go. While, of course, it’s impossible to predict every aspect of a person’s reaction, it’s based to be as prepared as possible.
Break the silence, break the cycle.