By: Sara E. Teller
There is a language that applies specifically to the various elements involved in relationships with narcissistic individuals. Whether you have been the victim of narcissistic abuse, or you are just starting to wonder about the behavior of someone close to you in life, understanding these terms can be very helpful.
Below, you’ll find five important terms in the world of narcissism, along with some quick definitions. You don’t need to become an expert in this field, of course, but just understanding the basics of what is going on when a narcissistic person comes into your life can make all the difference between being a victim or refusing to be one. Let’s get started!
#1 – Flying Monkeys. This is one of the most noteworthy terms in the narcissism world, if only because of the vivid images it can bring to mind when mentioned. So, what in the world is meant by flying monkeys? It’s rather simple – this term refers to people who come to the aid of a narcissist when called on – and, eventually, even when they’re not. The term has its roots in The Wizard of Oz, but you don’t need to be familiar with that story to see this effect in action.
When a narcissist wants to build up support against a particular individual, he or she may turn to friends that can be relied on interpret things the same as the narc does and to spread rumors about that person. Through a web of lies and half-truths, it’s possible to shift the tide against this person and potentially even cause them to doubt their own version of the truth. For a victim of narcissistic abuse, it can feel like the whole world has turned against them when a flying monkeys approach is taken by the abuser. Children of narcissists also often fall victim to playing this role.
#2 – Love Bombing. This is one of the more popular terms in this space, so you may have heard it before. On the surface, love bombing doesn’t seem like a big deal – in fact, it can seem rather nice. This is a tactic where the narcissist will shower the target with over-the-top affection in the form of constant communication, gifts, compliments, and more.
The problem with all of this attention is that it is often too much, too soon, and speaks to a desire on the part of the narcissist to control the narrative in the relationship. After all, with so much affection being shown, how could you get mad about anything else or criticize them in any way? Rather than being a genuine show of affection, it’s not more than a ploy to make the victim second-guess wrongdoings and ensure they feel obligated to return the love.
#3 – Gaslighting. Perhaps the most common term used regarding narcissism, gaslighting has gone mainstream in its usage in recent years. A gaslighter is someone who will refuse to admit fault for anything they have done, instead turning the attention to the other party and insisting that they are in the wrong.
Often, gaslighting involves persuading victims to think that they are wrong about things they remember happening. Statements like “you are crazy,” or “that’s not what happened” are common, and some victims wind up be filled with self-doubt even if they started out being absolutely sure of their perspective.
#4 – Hoovering. Leaving a relationship with a narcissist is notoriously difficult, and hoovering is one of the reasons why. Through hoovering, a narcissist will attempt to pull their partner back into a relationship that they are trying to leave. Rather than respecting the wishes of the other individual to leave the relationship, the narcissist will use tactics – such as love bombing – to attempt to get them to reengage. Depending on the kind of power that person has over the victim, these attempts may be successful. And, even if they aren’t successful, the efforts can take a mental toll and will only serve to increase the impact of the abuse.
#5 – Enabler. As the name would suggest, this is a person close to the narcissist who isn’t willing (or able) to step in and call them out on their actions and behaviors. It could be a family member that just wants to see the person for who they wish they were rather than who they truly are. Or an enabler could be a friend with low self-esteem who wants to do whatever they can do to stay close to this person. Whatever the case, the presence of an enabler can further the damage that a narcissist is able to do to their victims.
If you have heard some of the terms above previously, but never knew what they meant, hopefully you’ll now feel a bit more informed. Knowledge is power, and understanding the person you’re dealing with is essential, especially when that person happens to be a narcissist.
Break the silence, break the cycle.