Why is narcissistic abuse so bad, anyway? What is it about victims of narcissistic abuse that make them so sensitive and determined to “out” their abusers?
To those who haven’t been abused by narcissists, these seem like legitimate questions. But the outside perspective is, unfortunately, very limited. Those who have been abused by narcissists and have at least attempted to escape have witnessed the full wrath. This fury could never be witnessed by an outsider as the narcissist protects his or her public image at all costs.
A victim of narcissistic spousal abuse has been through the ringer, to say the least. The abuse actually began the very first time the two met, even though there was no way of knowing it at the time. It’s the little things a survivor can look back on and kick themselves for not seeing sooner. But, one shouldn’t be too hard on themselves. Narcissists are extremely charming and manipulative when they want to be, particularly in the initial stages of a relationship.
For instance, let’s just say you meet what you believe is your perfect match on an online dating site. This individual has to be perfect for you – after all you matched in the 97th percentile. Obviously, you have a ton of similarities. And, they have to be normal, because, hey, you think you’re pretty normal.
You anxiously decide to reach out to them. You click on the mail icon to open a new message. But, wait, they’ve already inboxed you! Your heart flutters. Not with the silly copy and paste response everyone else sends, either, but one that proves they actually looked over your profile. They’re truly interested!
Or, are they? How many others have they tricked by skimming through profiles and posting that perfect comment?
You set a date and time to meet. “Call me when the time comes, so I know you’re going to be there” your perfect mate requests at the end of the conversation.
Fast forward to date time. You call as requested, but receive no answer. You’re nearing your meet time, yet no response. Totally bummed, you think for a moment that they must have backed out. Then, right at the last minute a text: “I’m sorry, I forgot. I’m out with friends. I can be there in 10 minutes.”
A sign? Absolutely. One that would keep you from giving the date a shot? Probably not.
There was no way of you knowing then this calculated game of catch and release will be played over and over again. This is just start of solidifying control over you. The first piece to an intricate puzzle that started with making you call them. It was perpetuated by not answering and solidified by making you believe you inconvenienced them. Geez, why are you so disrespectful?
The start of a mind-numbing tumulus relationship. Things will only get worse. The red flags are masked by charismatic gestures throughout the idealize stage. Little things that “aren’t such a big deal” until they are. Until they’re repeated, and repeated, and – you get the point. Upon close inspection – unfortunately, usually after the full cycle – they become very noticeable to survivors. During devaluation, the gestures begin to be outnumbered. By discard, you’ve lost everything.
Narcissistic abuse is “so bad” because it involves a sociopathic slow unraveling of an innocent person’s sense of self, of their very being. Manipulation and lies are intertwined with a sadistic game of catch and release. Just when you’re sure this person is a total monster, they come in and sweep you off your feet again. And, the cycle continues. It continues and continues – until you try to leave for good.
Then you’ve really done it. You’ve inflicted the ultimate injury and there can be no going back. Unless, of course, you want to…maybe, pretty please? That would be perfect to the narcissist – giving in to manipulative pleading, gaslighting and empty promises would give this person another shot at destroying you.
Don’t fall for it.
It really IS “So Bad”
Narcissistic abuse is “so bad,” because once victims have lost their sense of identity, they become utterly trapped by their abuser. They can say, do, feel absolutely nothing on their own and actually trust their judgment. Like puppets, they rely on their abuser’s total control to function. This is the narcissist’s ultimate goal. Jump when told to, sit when instructed.
Those who see through the cycle and break free suffer the long-term effects of PTSD, or the narcissistic abuse version – NVS. They are left paranoid of their abuser and of entering into another abusive situation. They are entirely too well-prepared and well-documented in every scenario, always with their guard up ready for battle. This pushes others away. If new partners feel they can’t be trusted, why stick around? And, so, the victim’s life stagnates. They cannot effectively move forward.
This is why narcissistic abuse is so bad.
Many victims experience physical abuse, particularly in the discard phase. But, oftentimes, the abuse never turns physical. Emotional and mental scars are difficult to see, so they’re easily disregarded by those who don’t carry them inside. They are real nonetheless.
Break the silence. Break the cycle. Please share.