Charm and charisma. These two interrelated traits are what is most evident when someone first encounters a narcissist. This is because narcs love to garner the attention of others in the room, especially those who are new and open to impress. They love to be over the top, boisterous and unable to avoid. Narcissists may also draw others in, purposely, to make them feel special. They believe by drawing in a newcomer and allowing them to share their space, they will side with the narc and appreciate the effort. Of course, this isn’t to actually elevate the other person, it’s to elevate the narc. It makes him look like the good guy and it’s a way to be liked.
Charm is a trait that is simply not sustainable to narcissists. So, it’s reserved only for the beginning of a new connection with someone else. In romantic partnerships, sometimes that “charm stage” is referred to as love bombing. The narcissist turns it up to the max, ensuring a new victim feels safe and cared for in order to get them to open up and spill their deepest secrets. When this is successful, the narcissist takes mental notes so he can use these secrets to devalue the victim later on.
This goes along with the narcissistic charisma. Narcs can be extremely charismatic, part of the game to get everyone they can in their corner. They love being the center of attention and having others dote on their achievements. Again, this isn’t sustainable. It’s part of a fleeting effort to reel others in. The façade won’t last, and if there is an attempt to deepen the connection, the narcissist may not even remember all of the lies told and will likely brush off the individual trying to get close. This can be extremely confusing, inducing feelings of guilt, shame, and regret.
Being caught up in the narcissist’s charm and charisma is common in the beginning of a connection, especially for intimate partners who have been targeted by someone with this personality. Narcs love bomb their prey and it’s hard to see past the perceived perfectionism. In time, cracks will start to surface. But the narcissist will keep the victim under his charm long enough to make sure they’re hooked.
Knowledge is power. Break the silence, break the cycle.