One of the inherent traits of pathological narcissists is a grandiose sense of self. What this essentially means is that narcissists are self-centered to the extreme. So much so, in fact, they believe the world revolves around them and everyone connected to them is a pawn to be used to achieve the narcissist’s goals. This sounds ludicrous to the average person, but its very much part of the narcissist’s skewed reality.
When a pathological narcissist enters into a romantic partnership, he is only looking for one thing – an extension of self who exists to serve his needs. This is why these individuals are drawn to empaths or those who are co-dependent. Others-centered personalities make perfect mates because they naturally want to help those they care about. The narcissist needs a helper. He needs someone who is going to help him look and be ‘perfect’ at all times. And this is why it is so important to a narcissist to exert control over the person selected. He believes only by maintaining power over his pawn will the partner do whatever they are told.
The same goes for other aspects of a narcissist’s life as well, including his choice of occupation and employer, residence, and any hobbies or extracurricular affiliations. They all exist to help this individual maintain the false façade they so desperately seek. If the façade falls apart, the narcissist will be made to face his own bearable internal shame, something that is terrifying for him. If he feels some aspect of his world is about to come crumbling down, he will do everything possible to regain control. Namely, if he senses his partner is going to leave, he will gaslight and manipulate the individual into staying.
If you become determined to escape narcissistic abuse and are able to break free, the narcissist will attempt to do anything and everything possible to win you back just long enough to destroy you so it’s more difficult to leave again. He will attempt to ‘teach you a lesson’ while ensuring if you leave a second time, the cards will be stacked against you and it will be very hard to stand on your own two feet.
Because narcissists are extremely egocentric, they also love to talk about themselves. After all, in their mind, they are the only one worthy of attention and they full-heartedly believe you should feel lucky to be with them. This isn’t always readily apparent, however. While the self-ingratiation with be evident at times, it can also appear in passive-aggressive ways. One common way the narc will engage in self-praise is by shifting every conversation back to himself. For example, you may be very excited about a promotion you received at work and want to talk about it with your partner. Instead of congratulating you, however, this person will offer an indirect, half-witted compliment (‘Well, that’s just proof hard work pays off’) and follow this by telling you that if you continue to work hard, one day you’ll be in the same position as they are or make as much money as them. Narcissists love to disguise insults as compliments to gradually erode your confidence entirely.
This is precisely why it is so mind-numbingly confusing to be emotionally invested in a relationship with a narc. Not only are you likely to be naturally empathetic and willing to serve the needs of your partner, but the narcissist will have been exploiting these traits right from the very beginning to the point you may feel as if this is your life’s sole purpose. Self-confidence depleted and an independent sense of self obliterated, you may believe you must stay, or you’ll simply have nowhere to go or no direction. This is all part of the sadistic, egocentric game the narc plays.
If you manage to break free of this toxic relationship, go entirely no contact and never look back. Remember that attempts by the narc to change overnight and return to the idealize stage are fleeting. Once you’re roped back in, things will get much worse. By breaking ties, you are releasing yourself once and for all from the abuse you endured. Stay free and rebuild from the inside out!
Break the silence, break the cycle.