Narcissistic Love is Not True Love

Is the narcissist’s new life better? Has everything changed, now that you’re gone? This is a common question for those to ask once they’ve summoned the courage to leave. For some reason, as victims try desperately to move on from a love relationship, find themselves again and deal with the aftermath of abuse the narcissist is seemingly living a dream life.  It doesn’t seem fair that while survivors are left with symptoms of post-traumatic stress, anxiousness, and depression, the narcissist is able to move forward nonchalantly, without any acknowledgment of what’s happened.

What you must remember, though, is this is merely part of the false facade.  Quickly and easily moving on is entirely calculated, just as everything else is in the narcissist’s life. The facade is primarily to show you that you made the wrong decision, really are crazy and took for granted what you had.  By treating you as if you’ve never mattered, narcissists solidify the fact that they are better than you and still in complete control.  It’s an inherent trait of abusers to be demeaning and this is the ultimate act of power.  In fact, the narcissist has probably taken no time at all to move on to new prey.  They remain set on showing you their world is better off without you.

Think of it this way — letting a narcissist into your life invited a never-ending mind game. Every move this person makes prior to taking over your life, every step taken while you’re intertwined and every step thereafter is very purposeful.  Regardless of which stage you’re in, this person has always been the predator and you have always been the prey.  The dynamic of the relationship doesn’t change in the narcissist’s mind just because you left.

The narcissist is miserable by nature.  Narcissists are suppressing pain from trauma.  Leaving just presses the point home.  But, you are officially on the outside now, no longer behind closed doors, and the outside only sees perfection. Remember what you saw before you allowed this person into your space.  Remember what you went through versus what the rest of the world saw once allowed in.  Never forget this difference.

Do you truly believe anyone who genuinely loved you would be able to quickly move on to the next, unscathed, without regrets and feelings of emptiness?  Anyone capable of truly feeling love would never be able to do this. Those who have experienced true love may separate but they’re never apart. Residual emotions linger — longingness, nostalgia. There is pain with separation, and whenever the person’s name is mentioned it can stir butterflies. If the narcissist had truly loved you, it would be evident following the separation whether this person wants it to be or not. The fact that you’re not only seeing nothing, but this “love” has shifted without pause to another solidifies the fact that it never actually existed.

It can be especially painful to realize that you were never really loved by this person, that they chose you for other reasons—likely convenience, because you are a loving, hardworking person who will do anything for your significant other.  Narcissists thrive on this energy.  It gives them the supply they crave.  They love people who worship them without question.

Blessed with Both

I have been blessed to have experienced both true love and narcissistic “love”.   It may sound strange, but I am thankful for both. Having experienced the latter only made me appreciate genuine, fairy tale love more. I was separated from my true love for thirteen years and felt the pain of that separation every day.  For self-preservation, those who have loved and lost try to move on.  But, the truth is, if you have felt true love, you will always carry this person with you.

As the years past, and as I slipped deeper and deeper into the trap of a narcissist, I realized very painfully more and more that I had let true love slip away.  I had let this person go, because we were teenagers, and we had both gotten married and had children.  But, life has a funny way of working out, especially if you pray and find peace in knowing that if it’s meant to be, if God wants it to be, it will be.

Only by the power of prayer did I become strong enough to eventually escape abuse and survive the wrath that followed the injury I inflicted.  And, only by divine intervention was I reunited with my love after all of those years, regardless of the paths we’d chosen! That, my friends, is nothing short of a miracle, answered prayers just when I needed them the most…and not a moment sooner.  When God has a plan, it is perfect even if not immediately understood. I spent a few months rediscovering myself, building strength and loving myself again.  I needed that time alone to heal and to make peace with what I endured.  Only when I began to genuinely feel whole again, as if I didn’t need anyone else — I was finally enough — did my love return. I am absolutely certain this was a final gift from God.

Life is beautiful. But we must understand the very big difference between true love and abusive “love”.  If you constantly feel depressed, anxious, lonely, incomplete, slighted, wronged, etc., in the presence of someone who is supposed to love you, this is not love.  This can come with or without physical abuse, which is never love.  We must trust and give ourselves to the universe to be able to receive its blessings, even in our darkest hour. Pray for the strength to leave and to be restored. You may just get what you ask for.