Narcissistic Traits – A “Checklist”

Hey there!  I’ve put together a list of traits individuals with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) commonly possess.  This is designed to be a quick “checklist” of characteristics to reference if you are questioning whether you have NPD or have been the victim of narcissistic abuse:

1. Control and Manipulation: The number one thing an individual with NPD will try to do is control and manipulate a victim.  Narcissistic relationships are comprised of three stages – idealize, devaluation, discard – and this behavior remains consistent across all three, although the tactics may differ and the control and manipulation is likely to get worse over time.  The narcissist relies on the ability to bait and switch.  Control must be maintained at all times and can only be maintained through manipulation.

2. A Strict Set of Rules: A narcissist will develop a strict set of rules for a victim in order to maintain control.  Often, these rules seem frivolous, but they are extremely important to the narcissist.  For example, a narc might require a victim to only go grocery shopping on Mondays, or forbid a certain outfit be worn in public.  The more seemingly trivial rules narcissists set, the more they are assured they are in control.

3. Leaving Others In Limbo: Narcissists love to make plans only to break them at the last minute. They love to lead others into believing they are worthy of the narcissist’s attention only to make them look silly by not following through.  This is a control tactic, part of the bait and switch.  The goal of the narcissist is to make a victim believe the narc is doing them a favor whenever following through.  The narcissist breaks plans just enough to make the person targeted thankful whenever things actually work out.

4. Lies and Secret Keeping: Narcissists are liars.  The sobering truth about humanity is that no one is perfect.  Everyone has flaws, especially the narcissist.  Narcissism is closely related to sociopathy, and sociopaths lie.  In order to portray a perfect being, the narcissist must twist reality and keep secrets about his or her true thoughts, feelings or intentions.  Individuals with NPD are pathological liars often crossing over to a mental state in which they actually begin to believe the fabrications they’ve created.

5. Insatiable Charm: Narcissists are extremely charismatic – at least initially.  And, a narcissist is likely to maintain the false facade in public even if the guard is let down behind closed doors.  An individual with NPD relies on others taking an interest in him or her.  Complete mastery of this trait is essential for the narcissist’s supply.

6. Commanding The Room: A narcissist will always strive to be the center of attention in a crowded room, even if retreating at home.  Again, the narcissist relies on the attention of others for fuel (termed ‘narcissistic supply’).  Anyone competing for the spotlight will be quickly discarded or made to look foolish so the narcissist can take over.

7. False Sense of Entitlement: Narcissists believe they are entitled to things and should receive priority treatment over others.  This isn’t because the narc actually feels superior internally.  Narcissism develops from trauma and mistreatment.  Narcissists wish for others to take pity and give them special treatment because of the internal anguish they’re living with.  Of course, the narcissist will never let these true intentions be known.  The narc maintains a false sense of confidence or arrogance that generates feelings of both fear and idolization in members of a perceived audience, causing them to cater to his or her every need.

8. Stealer of Ideas: Narcissists love to take credit for the ideas of others.  Should an exchange occur in which the narcissist believes another has an innovative plan, for example, the narcissist will take every opportunity to not only bring it to life, but to subsequently take credit for thinking of it in the first place.  Even if others are present while the initial plan is being laid out, narcissists are so skilled at manipulating and twisting reality, they are often capable of convincing others of their ingenuity.

9. Lack of Empathy: Narcissists cannot process the emotions of others.  It’s that simple.  They are entirely egocentric.  If another person requires attention, narcissists will quickly redirect the situation to be focused entirely them, often playing the victim in unfortunate circumstances they’ve created. Regardless of the specifics, one should never rely on a narcissist for genuine help.  This is not to be confused with the false empathy a narcissist is skilled at projecting while baiting a (typically co-dependent) victim.

10. Mistreatment of Service Workers: Have you ever been to a restaurant and witnessed a patron giving her server a hard time about every little thing?  No matter what the server does, it’s just not good enough.  The customer walks out disgusted, refusing to leave a tip.  This is a common occurrence for narcissists who tend to take full advantage of those deemed lesser and especially those inadvertently forced into the position of providing their services to the narcissist.  Narcs jump at the chance for exploitation.

11. Narcissistic Rage: Those who have lived in close quarters with a narcissist have learned to walk on eggshells, knowing that the narcissist is subject to explode at any time for any reason.  This only happens in the narcissist’s intimate space where he will not risk sacrificing his public reputation.  Emotional, mental, physical, sexual, and financial abuse are common for those who’ve been trapped by a narcissist.

12. Disconnecting from Reality: Narcissists tend to be “spacey” when they are in their own home, away from the public eye.  They retreat into the recesses of their warped minds, but only briefly.  This is not a comfortable place to be for a narcissist.  The narcissist disconnects only to relieve himself from the exhaustion of maintaining his false facade.  But, he will quickly refuel and continue his mission, determined not to linger in the internal shame.

13. Addiction: Addiction is associated with disconnection and narcissists are also sometimes addicts.  They use their drug of choice to escape the exhaustion of the “perfect world” they’ve created, as well as the pain and trauma of the past.  A narcissist in active addiction is especially dangerous.  (As a side note, narcissists can also lead victims to become addicts.  Those abused by narcissists can turn to substances to numb the pain.)

14. Intolerant of Criticism: Narcissists rely on the perceptions of others.  They cannot take any criticism, even constructive.  But, not only do they reject any slights, they will seek revenge on the person slighting them.  To bruise a narcissist’s ego results in “narcissistic injury,” which is an intense reaction to any level of perceived humiliation.  Narcissists are extremely sensitive and even comments made in jest can result in injury.  Victims in intimate relationships with narcissists often make the mistake of playfully poking at their partners, only to immediately regret their decision to do so.  The game is not over until the narcissist avenges his or her reputation to their own satisfaction, no matter what it takes.

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