Many often wonder what constitutes pathological narcissism. After all, everyone has narcissistic traits. Whether these traits are healthy or not depends on where we fall along the spectrum. Having no narcissism is just as unhealthy, in a much different way. Much like while love and hate are viewed as opposites, “love is the closest thing to hate”. Having no narcissism is called echoism – a state of living in complete subservience. Obviously, never considering our own needs is also unhealthy. We need to be present with ourselves, open and honest, so we can be that way with others.
Some of the most basic traits of unhealthy narcissism, or Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), are as follows.
Inflated Sense of Self
Pathological narcissists are extremely egocentric to the point they believe others exist merely to serve them. Others are viewed as extensions of self rather than as unique individuals. This is particularly true of those who have known the narcissist for a long period of time or who share the narcissist’s intimate space. Anyone within the narcissist’s social circle was carefully selected to be there. These individuals hold traits the narcissist longs for, but doesn’t possess.
Because the narcissist has chosen these individuals due to their ability to elevate him or her to a state of perfection with traits not previously present, close family members, significant others, and children, must remain perfect at all times. To have faults would mean the narcissist is imperfect, which is entirely unacceptable.
Lack of Empathy
Those with NPD have sociopathic personalities. They are incapable of feeling normal human emotions toward others. This means it’s impossible for narcissists to feel sympathetic or be empathetic toward the feelings of others. Every move made by pathological narcissists is meant solely for their own benefit.
Think of it this way. Human beings who are not sociopathic would have changes to their brain chemistry when words such as the following are recited to them consecutively: love, affection, caring, kind, pleasant, peace, mad, anger, wrath, murder, death. However, a sociopath shows no chemical or emotional response to such a dramatic shift. A steady wavelength is maintained and this person has the same reaction to all. In this way, narcissists make no distinction between showing positive regard and hurting others. In their brains, there’s no separation between the two extremes.
Control and Manipulation
In order to ensure a victim stays in line and allows the narcissist to maintain the sadistic game, those with NPD must constantly be in control. They employ underhanded manipulative tactics, always making sure it appears as if they are keeping in mind the best interest of others or the family unit as a whole. Closer dissection, especially by those who are subject to the game, can reveal narcissistic undertones. However, those on the outside looking in are easily duped into believing this individual is loving and caring.
Living in a vicious cycle of catch-and-release often causes victims to feel helpless and begin to even feel insane. Couple this with gaslighting, a common method of control employed by narcissists to make victims question their own sanity, and it becomes very difficult for the abused to leave. All part of the plan.
Threats/Outbursts of Suppressed Rage
Because the game the narcissist plays is tedious, time-consuming and emotionally exhausting to victims, eventual confrontation is inevitable. It takes quite a bit for the narcissist to explode in public. After all, this individual needs to maintain a perfect facade at all costs. But, behind closed doors, everyone is fair game. Should extensions of self get out of line, they will feel the full wrath. A narcissist by nature is emotionally abusive and can easily turn physically abusive if the wrong buttons are pushed.
Low Self-Esteem and Trauma Suppression
Above all, narcissists have low self-esteem. They’ve adopted these negative traits to hide deep-seated, often trauma-induced shame. While research has shown that pathological narcissism is inherited to some extent, the majority of the time, it is propelled to the forefront by abuse. The maladaptive behaviors exhibited by narcissists are a result of long present self-hate.
Abuse is never okay. If you or someone you know is being abused, get confidential help and advice by calling 800.799.7233.