This month, we’ll shift our focus back to pathological narcissism and its detrimental effects on victims. Stressful situations and unfortunate events bring out the worst in those with narcissistic personality disorder, especially when control is lost. So, now, perhaps more than ever before, victims are feeling the weight, particularly if forced to stay home with an abusive narcissist.
What happens when a narcissist loses control over an aspect of his or her life? The individual may will act as if nothing matters, seemingly completely giving up, posturing when probed about next steps. Tension will be thick, and the narc will explode in response to any comment made about how to get out of the slump. This causes a victim to walk on eggshells, raising anxiety with the inability to determine when the next explosion will come.
Part of the disassociation might include a new focus on a toxic behavior. This may include infidelity on the part of the narc – something that narcs are prone to and will turn to in times of stress. Not only does this hurt intimate partners, but it will eventually also hurt the new target. Narcissists are incapable of feeling any sort of real empathy or emotion for anyone else. Thus, the target serves only one purpose and that is to provide relief during this funk and allow the narcissist to feel in control of some aspect of life. As soon as the stress dissipates, control will be regained, and the target will be discarded.
This is one of the most mind-numbing things for victims of pathological narcissists. It is difficult to accept the perspective that individuals are pawns. They are essentially inhuman to the narc – the same as any inanimate object that exists to fulfill the narcissist’s needs. Because of this, the narc will never be able to understand the pain caused by infidelity in a relationship. While a partner who finds out may suffer, the narc will see it as ‘no big deal’ and likely tell the victim they’re overreacting and need to get over it. When this is inevitably impossible, the narcissist will feel a dip in control and become abusive. It’s a toxic cycle, and one that the victim is responsible for breaking.
Another narcissistic response to stress and a loss of control may be a redirecting of control to the victim, becoming more abusive than ever before. There will be a blame shift, and suddenly the target will be responsible for every negative circumstance regardless of how disconnected this may seem. This is because a narcissist will never accept blame for anything. They are masters of deflection even when something has happened as a direct result of their actions. And this is a dangerous situation to be in, primarily because the victim cannot fix a situation that is beyond his or her control, and thus, there seems to be no way out from under the narcissist’s thumb.
Intimate partners may be asked by outsiders why they put up with such toxicity. But those on the inside understand a relationship with a narc is a complicated web that sucks a victim in to the point in which he or she feels completely trapped. This is because the narcissist doesn’t show their true stripes until a significant investment in the relationship has been made by the victim. A narcissistic relationship typically follows these distinct phases – idealize, devalue, discard.
In the idealize stage, the narcissist is a mater of disguise, learning everything possible about the victim to make them believe the narc is the perfect partner. The narc will align himself with this individual in every way and the victim will soon believe she has met her soulmate. This phase continues until the narc has very tangibly trapped the victim physically, mentally, emotionally, and financially. Once this is accomplished and the narc is satisfied the victim will not be able to leave easily, he will begin to test the partnership by devaluing this individual. Devaluing typically starts off subtle, picking at certain traits but not outwardly degrading the victim. The narcissist simply wants to test the victim’s loyalty before fully disclosing his true self. Eventually, however, the behavior will accelerate to the point of abuse. Because of the extensive grooming that is done prior to this point, the victim feels fully trapped in the situation. There is no happiness left, and thus, the narcissistic supply is gone. So, the narc will discard the victim in favor of a new target. This may be in the form of a cat and mouse game in which the narc will end the relationship, come back and beg for forgiveness only to discard the victim again. Or it may be done passive-aggressively by being unfaithful and engaging in affairs until found out. It is important to note that if a victim chooses to end the partnership, a safety plan should be put into place first and no contact established in the aftermath. Narcs will attempt to win a spouse back who leaves on their own terms in order to completely destroy the victim and perform an ultimate discard.
This is why it is more difficult that initially perceived to end a toxic relationship with a pathological narcissist and why is it terrifying for a victim to see the narc lose a sense of control. Victims tend to allow their narcissistic partners to maintain control and dominance because it is perceived as easier to do so than to fight back. When something happens beyond the victim’s control that makes the narcissist slip, it is a dangerous situation for anyone in the narc’s intimate space.
This month, we will focus on understanding the mindset of pathological narcissists and safety strategies for sharing space with such an individual. There are ways to assert and protect oneself in a toxic relationship but doing so the wrong way can be particularly dangerous. We will also review self-care strategies to help the healing process after breaking free. It is important to understand our own self-worth during and after a relationship with a toxic person and to regain confidence that is all too often stripped away in the process.