Let’s pretend you’re in the market for a new house. You’ve done your research, and you think you know exactly what you want. So, armed with a list of must-haves and the location in mind, you take a deep breath and bring your list to a local realtor.
The realtor you meet with is well-groomed and professional, very charismatic, with his hair slicked back and a tailored suit. He’s been in the industry for twenty years, is “a pillar of the real estate community” he tells you, and will find you exactly what you’re looking for within your price range in no time. After all, he’s a natural haggler, a fighter, and will stop at nothing to negotiate with the other party to ensure you get everything you deserve. And, everyone loves him.
Within five minutes, this guy has every MLS listing pulled up in your chosen area and your heart begins to flutter. This is the moment you’ve been waiting for! How did you get so lucky to meet the perfect agent?
You excitedly narrow it down to five options and the agent gets right on the phone. He rings the listing parties right away, confirms the lock box codes, and you two jump in his shiny new sports car to check them out. After a few showings, he tells you the last one is definitely it, he’s just sure of it. But, the house probably has other offers, there has been a lot of foot traffic and you need to put in an offer right away if you have any chance of calling it home.
When you get to the property, it looks like the realtor had actually listened. He nailed it! It appears to be everything you’ve dreamed of. As if he had saved the best for last. He ushers you quickly through the house, in and out of room after room, pointing out the renovated this and the upgraded that, the new appliance here and the quality workmanship there — all the while reminding you of the time urgency. He tells you, as a matter of fact, the listing agent got a call from another couple who will be through in just a few minutes. But, you can beat them to the punch! You just need to decide quickly.
In what seems like a fantastical whirlwind, he looks at you and tells you he can just see the excitement written all over your face. Then, he suddenly gets really serious and asks if you’re ready to move forward. Or, did he tell you you were? You’re not quite sure, come to think of it. You just remember nodding. Before you know it, you’re sitting at the closing table signing the next thirty years of your life away.
A week later, you’re all moved in. It’s your first night to just sit back and relax. So peaceful, so serene. In your bathrobe, you take a sip from a cup of hot tea, get all comfy and cozy, ready to read your favorite book…
Then, the neighbor’s dog starts barking. The couple in the house next door are having a heated argument. The teenager across the street starts blaring rock music. As if on cue, everything suddenly goes haywire. First, the air conditioner breaks. The kitchen sink begins to leak. You’re pretty sure you have a termite infestation.
This is what it’s like to be in a romantic relationship with a narcissist.
At first, everything seems perfect. Better than perfect. It’s everything you ever wished for. How did you get so lucky to meet the mate of your dreams? One who has everything on your list of attractive traits, inside and out? Charismatic, good-looking and well-off — this person has it all. He is a charmer. Financially stable. Promises to take care of you. And, for some reason, he feels the same way about you! What are the chances? Clearly you’re soulmates.
You’re so sure of your soulmate connection, in fact, that you can’t wait to take those next big steps. When he asks if you’ll move in with him, you feel your heart begin to flutter. This is the moment you’ve been waiting for! Combine your finances? Why not? And, he keeps giving you things! Showering you with gifts, encouraging you to go shopping with your friends, giving you a credit card for the salon. Can life get any better? Guess so, you think, as he pops a ring on your finger. Your friends and family are full of excitement for the two of you — after all, everyone loves him.
And, he’s made you his — in every way, shape and form. Then, it’s your first night as a married couple. You’re in your bathrobe, all comfy and cozy, ready to watch your favorite movie with the man of your dreams. But, reality sets in. He doesn’t feel so good. He can’t watch the movie, really just needs to go to bed. After he finishes up with a few work-related things on his computer, of course. A quick peck on the forehead and he heads to your room with his laptop, slamming the door.
The idealize stage ends just like that, and you realize very quickly this relationship isn’t what you’ve hoped for. But, you have a ring on your finger, you’re sitting in his home, you’re writing checks from your joint account. You may even be pregnant, or he’s taken in your kids from a previous relationship.
You’re completely trapped. There’s no way out.
Then, the abuse starts, or escalates, and those subtle clues that things may not be so perfect you noticed early on begin to flash through your mind. Suddenly, your heart is fluttering again. This time with the realization that it all adds up. Why didn’t you see it sooner? Why didn’t you run while you still had a chance?
Things take a sudden turn for the worst, and you are constantly being broken down physically, mentally and emotionally. It’s gotten so bad, you feel as if you have no where to turn. No one believes your mate is who you claim he is. They just can’t see it.
Unfortunately, this scenario is all too common for victims of narcissistic abuse. The pieces of the puzzle are quickly put together as soon as the idealize stage is over and the narcissist switches to the next level in his sadistic game. But, before this, we are completely oblivious. And, it’s a difficult truth to swallow when we finally realize our prince charming is as real as those in the story books. The person we fell head-over-heels for never existed. It’s as simple as that.
When we finally summon the strength to leave, the relationship is likely well into the devalue stage. So, it’s a bloody battle, to say the least.
You may be asking yourself what you did to deserve this, and the answer is absolutely nothing. Narcissists are attracted to good people. Kindhearted, soulful, loving people who are empathetic and caring. Oftentimes, they are co-dependents. They are people who feel good when they make others feel good. The narcissist eats this up. In his world, everyone should live to serve him and he needs someone who is willing to do so — will take care of him, his house, his responsibilities in the home, his kids, etc. This is why he’s pushed you into staying home. Made you believe it’s in everyone’s best interest, especially your own. He may have even made it seem as if it was your decision to give up all independence. It’s in his best interest to seclude you from others, keep you where he can easily find you — or monitor you. Keep you close. Too close.
The irony of the situation is that when you felt your spouse was helping you — making you feel safe, secure, protected, loved — he was actually using you to help himself. By baiting you and reeling you in, he received the supply he craves. He convinced you he had everything figured out. And, he did. Just not the way he presented it to you.
Perhaps the saddest part of the entire situation is that we don’t realize any of this until it’s too late. And, we don’t voice any of it until we’ve successfully escaped. Knowledge is power. If you or someone you know is in a toxic relationship, speak up. You’ll be surprised how many others hear you, loud and clear.