By the time one realizes he or she is in a toxic relationship with a pathological narcissist a significant investment has likely been made. This person is probably living with the narcissist and the narc has total control over finances as well as the victim’s mental and emotional state. There may also be physical consequences, including abuse, and tangible symptoms associated with prolonged anxiety, depression, and distress. So, it can be perceived as extremely difficult to break ties, and this is what keeps most victims trapped.
If you are not ready to leave or feel incapable of doing so, it is important to protect yourself. There are ways to assert yourself in a toxic partnership safely. However, the only way to guarantee your safety is to end the relationship and go entirely no contact.
In the meantime, start safety planning. Confide in close friends and family members and let them know what is happening behind closed doors. It can be difficult to do so after being gaslighted for an extended period of time, and it is important to understand it is entirely normal to feel shame, regret, and self-degradation for entering into the toxic partnership and allowing it to continue. Letting trusted individuals into this world is important, however. It releases pent up emotions that cause significant mental and emotional distress, and it allows others to help.
When you let those you trust in, it is also not uncommon for them to be leery of believing you at first. Narcissists are masters of manipulation and they know how to rope others into their web. They have likely befriended many of your close contacts in an effort to turn them against you and entirely isolate you. Do not be surprised if you feel you have to ‘win’ back these relationships by backing up claims and getting others to realize that you formed a bond with them long before the narcissist entered the picture.
Rest assured that once you are able to make friends and loved ones understand what this person is truly like, the narcissist will be the cause of his own undoing. They will feel the contempt and when they’re unable to continue their sadistic game, they will give up and expose themselves. It’s only a matter of time.
Once you let others in, they will be able to help you. Pack a duffle bag with a few items of clothing and make sure you know exactly where your important documents are kept, and you have access to these. You’ll want to come up with a way to grab them quickly should you choose to leave. However, you might not want to remove them from safekeeping right away as you don’t want to tip off the narc. Make sure to keep a set of your car keys with you at all times.
Keep your safety planning a secret, and instead, start regaining independence subtly. You can do this by alluding to the fact that you are onto the narcissist’s game without direct confrontation. The next time you are devalued, stick up for yourself in a matter-of-fact way. For example, say, “I understand that upset you but there’s nothing I can do about it.” The more you do this, the less supply the narcissist will get. Because the narcissist relies on the supply of others, the focus may shift to someone else. Let it, but don’t allow this to further degrade your sense of self. When the clutches relax, execute your escape.
If you summon the courage to leave once and for all, it is vital you do not let the narcissist suck you back in. The sudden loss of supply altogether will create a desperate situation in which the narc will say or do anything to win you back. These attempts are not genuine, and if you are sucked back in, you will realize just how fleeting they are. The only thing the narcissist wants it to have control back. Once this is re-established, he will perform the ultimate discard to ‘teach you a lesson.’ Never go back once your gone and discontinue all contact for good.