The first three stages of the grieving process are all about avoidance of underlying difficult-to-deal-with emotions with the use other alternative coping mechanisms. The stages progress from denial to anger and bargaining, all of which allow the victim to avoid coming to terms with reality. Anger tends to mask sadness and fear that the loss stirs up inside and bargaining is a way of coming up with reasons as to why it occurred.
Although real healing tends to begin in stage four of the process, the first three stages are equally as vital. They offer a way of protecting the victim until they have separated themselves enough from the loss to cope with the meaning behind it. Moving immediately into depression would likely be completely unbearable and it’s easier to work one’s way up to this point slowly.
Here’s a summary of each of these stages in the order they are most likely to occur. It’s important to note, however, that the process is not necessarily linear and it is possible to return to previous stages at any given point.
Stage 1 – Denial. It’s not unusual to respond to intense loss by pretending it simply isn’t happening. This is a common defense mechanism that can help you buy more time to process it and solidify it into your reality. It’s also a way to avoid having to feel deep, uncomfortable emotions that are very difficult to face.
Stage 2 – Anger. Anger is another defense strategy often used to mask sadness and fear. In many situations in life, anger is used to avoid the vulnerability of exposing what’s underneath. Using anger helps one to disconnect as much as possible from the pain of the loss. This anger may be redirected at others, at experiences, at inanimate objects or at yourself. Bitterness or resentment are more common than outright rage but those in the anger stage may be quick to release their anger through confrontation.
Stage 3 – Bargaining. The third stage is centered on “what if’s” and “if only’s.” The griever creates a bargaining position that usually isn’t realistic such as, “If only I had been more submissive, he may have stayed” or “If only I had worked on my physical appearance more, he wouldn’t have found someone else.” Of course, you can never be submissive enough or make yourself look good enough to avoid the fallout of a relationship with a narcissist. Nothing is ever good enough for the narcissist. The supply the victim provides is always at risk of being insufficient. The narcissist has an insatiable lust for the energy of others, and this cannot be satisfied by a victim giving more than what was given. In fact, victims commonly try to the point that they completely lose themselves in the process.
It’s important, again, to note that everyone grieves differently and the process is not always linear. The victim may find it necessary to loop back around to a particular stage or start all over again. They may experience stage 3 before 2 and so on and so forth. Allowing yourself to go at your own pace and let emotions unfold naturally is an important component of the healing process. Working with a professional can also help an individual who is grieving move through each step and eventually find peace.