Understanding what makes a narcissist tick means understanding the 4 Cs – charm, charisma, confidence and cleverness. These are the core components of the narcissistic personality and are what attract others to them. Let’s take a look at how each of these traits are both captivating and allow the narc to gain and maintain control.
Charm. Narcissists know how to turn up the charm, especially when they meet someone new. Their sole focus is to make this new person “side” with them. Narcissists have an inherent need to be liked. However, charm, for a narc, is simply not sustainable. So, it’s reserved only for the beginning of a new connection. In romantic partnerships, sometimes the “charm stage” is referred to as love bombing. The narcissist turns it up to the max, ensuring a new victim feels safe and cared for in order to get them to open up and spill their deepest secrets. After they’ve been successful in doing so, the narcissist takes mental notes so he can use the confidential knowledge to devalue the victim later on.
Charisma. This goes along with the narcissistic charm. Narcs can be extremely charismatic, part of the game to get everyone they can into their corner. They love being the center of attention and having others dote on their achievements. Again, this isn’t sustainable. It’s part of a fleeting act to reel others in. It can’t last. In fact, if there is an attempt to deepen the connection, the narcissist may not even remember all of the lies that were told while swooning and will likely brush off the individual trying to get close. This can be extremely confusing, inducing feelings of guilt and shame, which is all part of the plan.
Confidence. Narcissists don’t have a lot of confidence – not really. Not at a deep level. But they know how to act like they do. This intense assertion of confidence is a way to mask the internal shame that festers inside. So, it usually seems to others like the narcissist has a ton of confidence, and this can be captivating. It’s not every day you’re able to interact with someone who has as much confidence as the narcissist falsely exerts. In fact, it is downright arrogance, but often arrogance is mistaken for confidence the first time one encounters it. After a while, it becomes exhausting. This trait is impossible to contain when the narc is in public, and the narc will likely portray a very different person behind closed doors. Those in their intimate space have inside info that makes the false confidence annoying. They see how long it takes the narc to get ready before going out, how often they’re looking into the mirror or how much time it takes to prepare for a speech. The conflicted self tends to out the narc to those closest to him. The paradox of arrogance and shame is evident behind closed doors and this is where cracks will surface.
Cleverness. The ability to be conniving as is a trait that makes narcissists the superior manipulators they are. Narcs are particularly clever when it comes to gaslighting others. That charm that was turned all the way up in the love bombing stage was very purposeful. It allowed the narc to get exclusive information to use against the victim when he begins to assert control. In fact, everything a narcissist does to win over another person and keep them in their clutches is purposeful. There’s intention behind everything that makes up the false façade. Narcissists love to outwit others and when they feel they’ve done effectively so they gain narcissistic supply. The tougher they’ve had to work for the win, the more gratification and supply they get when they’d achieve perceived superiority. Every interaction is a chance for the narcissist to “win.” To them, it’s a battle of the wits.
These four traits pervade the narcissistic personality. So much so, it can be difficult to understand why we tend to not be able to spot a pathological narcissist before it’s too late and we’re trapped in an abusive cycle. But, again, these tend to be traits that draw others in and make them forget about the bad – at least for a while. They’re intoxicating, and it’s easy to be so blind-sighted that it’s impossible to be privy to the pathology lurking beneath.
Don’t be overly critical of yourself for not seeing behind the mask. Hindsight is 20/20, and you cannot get caught up in ruminating about what went wrong. You can only take the knowledge you’ve gained in the process and use it for future decision-making. If you fell victim to the narcissist’s charm, charisma, confidence, and cleverness, you’re certainly not alone. Be kind to yourself and practice some self-care. Knowledge is power, and your newfound knowledge makes you more able to fend off this toxic personality moving forward.